In late 2019, I experienced a difficult breakup, followed by the COVID lockdown. While others were having cute virtual dates and masked walks in the park, the fear of contracting the virus made it hard for me to feel any sense of intimacy or sexual desire. The pandemic put a hold on my healing process and made it difficult for me to jump back into the dating world.
To make matters worse, I’ve never been a fan of dating apps. They expose you to a range of unpleasant experiences and disrespectful behavior, all while expecting you to be vulnerable. I can’t endure it for more than a month or two before needing a break for the sake of my mental health. Whenever I reach a point where I want to yell at every person who messages me, I know it’s time to step back.
Even after taking a break from online dating and experiencing the impact of a world-changing event, things seemed to remain the same on the apps. Men were still looking for a “partner in crime,” and the obsession with listing their height persisted. However, there was one new trend that caught my attention. Suddenly, every man seemed to be proudly proclaiming “in therapy” on their dating profiles. It became as common as posing with a giant fish in terms of clichés. I couldn’t help but wonder if therapy had become the new status symbol.
I reached out to Michael Kaye, the global head of communications at OkCupid, who confirmed the trend. He mentioned a significant increase in mentions of mental health and therapy on profiles from February to July, with a further increase in August 2022 compared to the previous year. This alignment with the rise of therapy being promoted on shows like “The Bachelorette” indicates a positive shift in attitudes towards mental health.
On the surface, this seems like great news, especially when it’s promoted on a show that often perpetuates gender norms. As women, we strive for equality in all aspects of life, including relationships. Therefore, it’s essential for men to address their emotional and communication skills to meet the needs of their partners effectively. Therapy is an obvious solution to tackle these issues and create healthier relationships.
However, as I encountered more and more profiles proudly mentioning therapy, I couldn’t help but feel skeptical. Was this trend a genuine evolution in men’s attitudes towards therapy, or was it just a way for them to attract women by saying what they wanted to hear? I delved deeper into the topic, seeking men who mentioned their therapy status on their profiles for an interview. Unfortunately, I was met with silence. No one was willing to open up about their experiences. This left me questioning the authenticity of the trend.
Recently, a controversy surrounding Jonah Hill and his ex-girlfriend brought this issue back into the spotlight. Hill, who had made a documentary about how therapy changed his life, was accused of using therapy concepts to manipulate and control his partner. Mental health professionals explained the misuse of therapeutic terms, and many women shared their own stories of men using therapy-speak against them in relationships.
This reminded me of the women who reached out to me when I was investigating the therapy trend. They shared their horror stories about dating men who claimed to be in therapy. While these stories may not provide statistical evidence, they confirmed my suspicions that not all men who mention therapy on their profiles are actually doing the work. Some are simply using it as a performative gesture.
One woman, Julie, even decided to make “must be in therapy” a requirement on her dating profile, thinking it would filter out individuals who were not ready for a serious relationship. However, she found that the majority of men she attracted were not emotionally available and had not truly worked through their personal issues.
Laura Caruso, a relationship therapist and dating coach, also shared her observations on Twitter. She noticed that some straight men were using pop psychology to maintain traditional power dynamics in relationships. This highlights the need for genuine self-reflection and growth, rather than just paying lip service to therapy concepts.
In conclusion, while the trend of mentioning therapy on dating profiles may indicate progress in destigmatizing mental health, it’s essential to approach it with caution. True growth and emotional development require actively engaging in therapy and working on oneself. Women should be wary of men who use therapy as a facade without actually doing the necessary work.
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