Two years ago, I encountered a unique challenge with one of my psychiatry patients. Despite his typically talkative nature, our Zoom sessions presented a struggle for engagement. The patient seemed to dodge eye contact and remained quiet, only offering brief responses to my questions. Concerned that he may discontinue his treatment, I proposed something unconventional: going for a walk together.
We met at a park on a crisp autumn day and settled on a bench afterwards. Among the few individuals nearby were a group of workers, engaging in lively conversation and clearly enjoying themselves. While attempting to discuss his studies, my patient repeatedly broke eye contact to observe the workers. As we concluded our walk, he grew tearful and confessed to feeling incredibly lonely. This was the most vulnerable he had been in months, and I felt relieved. Perhaps the sight of these affable young men served as a reminder of his painful isolation that he couldn’t ignore. Or maybe the act of walking together finally allowed him to feel comfortable enough to open up. Regardless, this breakthrough would not have occurred through Zoom or in my office.
My experience with this patient contradicts the prevailing American emphasis on undivided attention. In the workplace, we receive praise for maintaining unwavering focus on our tasks, while companies reprimand employees who take too many breaks away from their computers. With friends, we are expected to be attentive and engaged listeners, which demands constant awareness. It may seem like intensely focusing on what others are saying without breaking our attention is the key to developing deep connections and fostering friendships. However, this level of intensity can actually make us feel less connected to others. If we truly want to nurture relationships, shared distractions may hold greater power.
If you’ve ever diffused an awkward social situation through trivial small talk or icebreaker games, you’re already acquainted with the advantages of distraction. Several studies, while not specifically examining distraction, have suggested that engaging in shared distracting activities, such as physical exercise, can enhance social connectedness and pleasure. This stands in stark contrast to the isolating experience of individuals engrossed in their own distracting activities, such as staring at their smartphones.
Though the exact mechanisms through which distraction increases feelings of social connectedness remain unclear, various plausible explanations exist. Engaging in physical activity, even something as gentle as walking, has been linked to a significant increase in creative, divergent, and associative thinking. This may be because movement diverts our focus from ourselves. Creative thinking, in turn, propels conversations in unforeseen directions and potentially activates neural reward pathways that revel in novelty, leading us to take more delight in one another’s presence. The act of moving itself is not strictly necessary to reap the creative benefits of distraction. A 2022 study published in Nature discovered that simply being aware of our surroundings can enhance creative thinking.
This same study revealed that pairs collaborating virtually were less likely to notice their environment, instead devoting more time to gazing directly at each other’s images. This is detrimental to conversation. Staring at a person’s face is mentally and emotionally draining and can indicate a domineering nature. Just as we’ve experienced the social benefits of distraction, we’ve also encountered the social drawbacks of excessive intensity. Years ago, countless individuals, including myself, flocked to the Museum of Modern Art to witness Serbian artist Marina Abramović’s renowned performance piece. She sat silently and motionlessly at a small wooden table, gazing into the face of any visitor who joined her for several minutes. The encounters were uncomfortable at best and grueling at worst. By eliminating nearly all external stimuli and props, Abramović underscored their vital significance.
The discomfort brought about by prolonged eye contact explains why it can be challenging to engage in natural, friendship-enforcing interactions on platforms like Zoom and FaceTime. These platforms largely eliminate the world of distractions, forcing us to fixate on our partners’ faces. However, for most of us, virtual connections are often unavoidable. For instance, a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center estimated that over 30% of employed American adults continue to heavily rely on Zoom for work, with even more adopting hybrid schedules. Nevertheless, we can still leverage the social benefits of distraction even when physical presence is not possible.
One simple idea is to turn off your camera, eliminating the option of intensely staring into each other’s pixelated eyes. During the peak of the pandemic, I taught my residents via Zoom and grew frustrated whenever they switched off their videos. I assumed they were disengaged, but perhaps they were stretching or pacing around their apartments, incorporating a small dose of distraction to enrich their Zoom experiences. The annoyance I felt stemmed from it being one-sided. Perhaps we would have had better, more creative dialogues if we had all gone off camera together. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you can keep your video on and choose an interesting background to spark conversation. Take your conversation partner on a virtual tour of your surroundings or play a game together. If your friend appears distracted, don’t take offense as I did. Instead, ask them about what they just saw or imagined and allow the conversation to flow.
When face-to-face contact is an option, steer clear of staring contests and venture out into the world together. You may be surprised by the places that foster meaningful conversations: a vibrant bar, a challenging fitness class, or the sidelines of a lively parade. Raising your voice above the noise can even become a bonding experience. However, be cautious not to choose an environment that is too distracting, as this may confine each person to their own isolated experience. I personally experienced this a few years ago while zip-lining with my husband in the Catskill Mountains. It was enjoyable, but ultimately reinforced our sense of being alone together. We reflected on the experience afterwards.
There is a time and place for intense, focused conversation, even if not accompanied by intense, focused eye contact. If a friend approaches you in a crisis or your partner is confessing their love, they probably wouldn’t appreciate you diverting their attention to a passerby with a pet scarlet macaw (yes, I’ve witnessed this a few times in New York City). However, in most situations, allowing the world to infiltrate our interactions can be highly beneficial.
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