Several years ago, an emerging body of research caught Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s attention. It revealed that children attending “high achieving schools” were facing higher rates of behavioral and mental health challenges. Shockingly, these students were being labeled as “at-risk,” alongside children in poverty, foster care, recent immigrants, and those with incarcerated parents. Wallace decided to write about this phenomenon for The Washington Post, but the findings continued to trouble her as she witnessed the infamous “Varsity Blues” scandal unfold. It became clear to her that parents were subjecting their children to immense pressure to achieve, enrolling them in countless AP classes and extracurricular activities, all in an effort to secure a spot in prestigious colleges. The consequences of this toxic achievement culture were devastating. She wondered how parents had reached a point of desperation where they were willing to commit crimes to secure their children’s future in elite institutions.
Around this time, Wallace’s oldest child was about to enter high school. She realized that she had only four more years to spend with him at home. This realization led her to ask herself what she could do to protect him from the pitfalls of the achievement culture. The result of her inquiry is her book, “Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It.” In this book, Wallace shares her findings and discusses the ways in which she is actively fighting against the dangers of pushing children to incessantly achieve. The following interview with The Post provides insights into her discoveries and her approach to combating the negative effects of this culture. The answers have been slightly edited for brevity and clarity.
Q: In addition to the research and the scandal, what motivated you to delve deeper into this issue?
A: I wanted to ensure that this was not just a problem limited to the East Coast and West Coast. To investigate this further, I collaborated with a researcher from the Harvard School of Education and created a survey. The goal was to determine if this phenomenon existed everywhere and to uncover the hidden struggles parents were experiencing, including those within my own home. We received responses from over 6,500 parents. Many expressed a willingness to be interviewed, and hundreds of them reached out to share their stories.
Q: Were you personally experiencing the toxic achievement culture in your own family?
A: Over the years, I had noticed a stark contrast between my children’s childhood and my own. Our lives felt busier, and weekends seemed more fragmented. Homework had become more intense. I felt an overwhelming pressure to ensure my children’s success, as if it were solely my responsibility. While my parents did encourage my achievements, it wasn’t the central focus of our household. To understand this shift, I interviewed historians, economists, and sociologists. Parenting today is vastly different due to the economic climate and rising inequality. Middle-class families now face immense challenges in providing their children with opportunities. As parents, we absorb these fears and pressures.
We find ourselves caught between wanting to set our children up for success and fearing judgment from our communities. We long to experience the joys of parenthood and to connect with our children, but it is undeniably challenging.
Q: Is it possible for parents to step back and alleviate the pressure?
A: Absolutely. In my quest to find “healthy achievers,” I discovered commonalities among those who flourish despite societal pressures. It all comes down to a psychological concept called “mattering.” This idea has been recognized by psychologists since the 1980s. Children who possess a healthy level of self-esteem feel valued and important to their parents. They believe they matter at their core. Over the past few decades, researchers have found that when children are genuinely appreciated for who they are, it builds their sense of mattering. These children are relied upon to contribute meaningfully, and this high level of mattering acts as a protective shield, bolstering resilience. Mattering has transformed my parenting approach and my life.
In the past, I prioritized my children’s happiness. Now, I prioritize their sense of mattering. If one of my children seems “off,” I reflect upon whether they feel valued by me, their friends, or the school community. Am I depending on them at home? For example, my son, after experiencing the isolation of the pandemic, felt disconnected from his friends. He began to feel lonely. However, when a few friends asked him to join the baseball team, he realized that if he declined, they wouldn’t have enough players. Although he was concerned about the impact on his schoolwork, he decided to participate to reinforce his sense of mattering. Instead of focusing solely on school, I understood the importance of nurturing his connections with friends. This decision not only made him feel valued by his peers, but it also initiated a positive cycle. He developed a strong sense of belonging and significance.
Q: How has your reporting on this book influenced your parenting approach?
A: In my son’s junior year (he is now a senior), I created a pressure-free environment at home. Our house became a refuge for recovery. We made a pact to discuss college-related topics only once a week at a time convenient for him. We would allocate an hour, but most conversations concluded within 15 minutes. This allowed me to fully enjoy the last two years before he leaves home. Additionally, I prioritized showing affection. While teenagers may not always crave constant displays of affection, I found small gestures like back massages or gentle pats on the arm to be meaningful.
Q: How are parents coping with these challenges today?
A: Parents are considerably anxious. Research indicates that a child’s resilience is fundamentally linked to their caregiver’s resilience. The well-being of primary caregivers must be intact. Unfortunately, our society does not prioritize adult well-being. We are bombarded with messages that do not contribute to the resilience needed to effectively support our children. What truly helps is our relationships. When I visited various communities, I discovered that many parents lacked the time and energy to form deep connections with friends who could provide genuine support. We are advised to prioritize our own self-care, but true relationships involve having someone in our lives who recognizes our struggles and unconditionally supports us. This interpersonal connection is akin to someone putting an oxygen mask on us when we are struggling to breathe.
Q: What advice do you have for parents to ease the pressure on their children?
A: It is crucial to create a safe haven at home where our children feel valued irrespective of their achievements. We must be cautious with criticism and praise. Invest time in truly understanding your child’s unique qualities and what makes them tick. Whether it’s their sense of humor or collaborative nature, encourage conversations centered around these aspects at home.
Parents should prioritize building relationships outside of the home for the benefit of those within the home. Only an hour of intentional connection with one or two friends each week is enough to cultivate the resilience necessary for effective parenting. These relationships should provide unwavering support and love, similar to the way we love our own children.
Q: What can communities do to address this issue?
A: Communities can play a significant role in helping children recognize their importance and the community’s reliance on them. Encourage children to contribute and express gratitude for their efforts. If you have a neighbor with expertise in a particular area, such as technology, do not hesitate to seek their assistance. Offer opportunities for children within your community to feel needed and relied upon.
Q: What advice can you offer parents who feel isolated in their decision to prioritize their child’s well-being over high achievement?
A: Remember that there is a silent majority who shares your values. You are not alone. Seek out one or two like-minded friends, and that’s all you need. Together, you can support one another and navigate the challenges of parenting in an achievement-driven culture.
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