Dear Care and Feeding, I need advice on how to deal with feeling like I’m the forgotten child, or at least like my mom only cares about how I can help her. I am a 40-year-old single parent. My mother has been disabled for about two years, and only recently was able to start driving again. For the last two years, I have rearranged my schedule, given up sleep, and otherwise bent over backward to help her with doctor’s appointments, physical therapy appointments, etc. I was also the one that helped her get her bank account back in order after she got scammed. Now I’m the one that needs a little help. I have an outpatient surgical procedure, one that’s fairly routine, but I do need someone to drive me home and stay with me for the rest of that day, as I’ll be under the influence of anesthesia. My mother was the logical choice, but I might as well have asked her to hike the Appalachian Trail. She said she’d try to get someone to come in with me, but she was noncommittal. My older sister agreed to drive me, bless her. If I hadn’t had her, I don’t know what I would have done. It’s been weighing on me, and I’ve cried about it a little, and I just needed to tell someone. Do you have any advice for me?
—Overlooked Offspring
Dear Overlooked Offspring, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. You’ve gone above and beyond to support your mother in her time of need, and it’s understandable that you’d feel disappointed and hurt when you need her help and she’s not there for you. It’s important for you to remember that needing help and being vulnerable doesn’t make you any less valuable or worthy of support.
It sounds like your older sister has stepped in to help, which is great, but I still think it’s worth addressing this with your mother. I know it can be incredibly hard to have these kinds of conversations, but I believe it’s necessary for your emotional well-being. Let her know how much her support means to you and how much it’s hurt you that she wasn’t able to be there for you when you needed her. Be honest about your feelings and give her the opportunity to understand the impact of her actions.
And remember, it’s okay to seek support from other sources when you need it. You don’t have to carry all of this on your own. Lean on friends, other family members, or a therapist to process and work through these feelings. You deserve to be supported and cared for, and I hope you find the support you need during this time.
