Samantha Costanza had a first date with a man she met on a dating app in January 2022. They met at a Brooklyn bar and got to know each other over hot cider. When it came time to pay, the man offered to cover the bill. A few days later, he asked Costanza to Venmo him the money for her drinks after she expressed that she didn’t want to go out again. Costanza was shocked by the request and felt like he expected something in return for paying.
The confluence of changing gender norms, the popularity of payment apps, and the economic climate tightening people’s budgets is making first dates more tense. Some women have experienced men asking for their money back after expressing disinterest. Relationship and etiquette experts suggest that this may be due to the culture shift in dating where every first date is a blind date with a stranger, allowing for fewer social accountabilities and more bad behavior.
Jon Birger, the author of “Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game,” believes that these situations are less likely to occur on a first date set up by a mutual friend or family member. Online dating, on the other hand, has created an environment where people can behave poorly without consequence.
Dating coach Blaine Anderson considers requesting money back after a date to be among the biggest taboos. It implies that the covered dinner came with expectations and can make women feel uncomfortable. When men ask for their money back, it can be seen as an entitlement and a disrespectful gesture.
While many view the expectation of men paying for the first date as old-fashioned, others see it as a kind gesture or a way to show interest. Costanza, for instance, viewed it as an expected and polite gesture to show interest.
However, it’s essential to consider the economic backdrop. Psychotherapist Carli Blau notes that wage stagnation and inflation have left many people feeling financially strained. Dating can be expensive, with Americans spending nearly $700 on dates annually. This economic pressure may influence refund requests, not necessarily ill intentions.
In the event that someone requests a refund after a date, there are pros and cons to consider. Ignoring the request sends a clear message that it was inappropriate, while paying may expedite the process of cutting ties. If you’re contemplating asking for a refund, it’s better to discuss splitting the bill from the beginning, setting clear boundaries upfront.
Ultimately, the decision of whether to ignore or pay the request is up to the individual. Costanza chose to ignore the request and block the man, asserting that her time and energy are not refundable.
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