The Dilemma: Approximately eighteen months ago, I established a friendship with a man that gradually became close.
Both in our early 40s, we share sole custody of our young children, and our aligned values and interests strengthened our bond.
Early on, he disclosed his solitary nature and aversion to social situations. He dislikes noisy environments and often becomes engrossed in his hobbies. Additionally, he has a personal space boundary, displaying coldness and unresponsiveness in certain situations.
A few weeks ago, we both acknowledged the evolution of our feelings. I can see that he is genuinely making an effort to spend time with me and maintain regular communication, even when he prefers solitude. I tread cautiously in my interactions with him, ensuring not to overwhelm him physically.
Behind closed doors, he expresses love and affection, although it may take some time for him to initiate physical contact. Once that initial touch barrier is surpassed, everything is delightful. Due to logistical constraints, such intimate evenings can only occur once a month.
However, my unhappiness stems from our interactions in public settings. Although I adore his company and he treats me with kindness and attentiveness, he refrains from getting physically close. I yearn to hold his hand or stroke his cheek occasionally, but I sense that it may cross a boundary. This situation makes me sad since we seldom see each other, and I desire closeness with him. I have never addressed this issue out of fear that he might withdraw. The trust between us has taken a long time to build, and I would be devastated if it were to unravel. I am deeply in love with him.
Philippa’s Insight: We enter adulthood carrying unique and diverse childhood experiences that shape us. Some individuals feel suffocated, developing a fear of being consumed by others. They require alone time and personal space to maintain their individuality. Conversely, others feel neglected, longing for physical touch and affection. It seems that you resonate with the emotion of longing, while he may be familiar with the fear of losing himself in close relationships. Therefore, both of you attribute different meanings to public displays of affection and even intimacy in private. Like any relational matter, this can benefit from comprehension and open conversation. However, you hesitate to broach the topic, fearing that doing so might push him away.
It is possible that you may have been initially attracted to this man because of his tendencies towards emotional withholding. If you experienced a lack of affection from a parent during your formative years, your subconscious may be driven towards seeking partners who exhibit similar behavior. In this way, you subconsciously aim to finally receive love from someone who typically withholds it, thereby healing the wounds of your past. When you two are together, the fulfillment of your longing feels wonderful. However, his withholding behavior reignites your longing. Consider whether you would find him as appealing if he were consistently affectionate and you no longer had to yearn for his affection.
There is nothing inherently wrong with either of you. Your differing experiences during childhood may have shaped your comfort levels with various forms of physical closeness, causing an inherent conflict. By discussing and understanding these differences, you may find solace in the fact that holding hands holds different significance for each of you. Based on your email, it seems like both of you need to work on understanding each other better.
Approach this conversation with curiosity about yourself and empathy towards him. Avoid criticism, demands for change, or having high expectations. If addressing your relationship in this manner feels overwhelming, consider discussing the possibility of talking openly about your concerns as a preliminary step.
It is evident that you are mindful of his need for personal space, and he likely appreciates that. However, considering your individual wants and needs, how compatible are they? How much space can he tolerate, and how much physical closeness can you handle? Will your relationship ultimately be defined by compromises or the depth of your love for each other? From your message, it appears that the latter is true. If both of you prioritize understanding over changing one another, there is a good chance for success in this relationship.
Suggested reading: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
-
Every week, Philippa Perry offers advice on personal problems submitted by readers. If you seek guidance from Philippa, kindly send your problem to [email protected]. Please note that Philippa is unable to engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
-
“The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)” by Philippa Perry (Penguin Books Ltd, £10.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
-
“How to Stay Sane” by Philippa Perry & The School of Life (Pan Macmillan, £9.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
Denial of responsibility! VigourTimes is an automatic aggregator of Global media. In each content, the hyperlink to the primary source is specified. All trademarks belong to their rightful owners, and all materials to their authors. For any complaint, please reach us at – [email protected]. We will take necessary action within 24 hours.
