Breastfeeding is a complex and challenging aspect of motherhood that revolves around numbers: how much milk are you producing? How much weight is the baby gaining? As a new mother, I quickly realized that my numbers were not measuring up, and I felt like a failure. This feeling was magnified when my baby was admitted to the NICU due to breathing issues and the nurses blamed my antidepressant medication for his withdrawal symptoms. The whispers of judgment haunted me, and I knew that breastfeeding would be an uphill battle.
I sought help from a lactation consultant, who put my son through a feeding drill of weighing him before and after a feed. The results were disappointing, and she attributed it to stress or the possibility that my medication was reducing my milk supply. The words “failure to thrive” and “formula” began to swirl around me, intensifying my feelings of inadequacy. I had been taught to breastfeed using a method that seemed unnatural and forced, and the pressure to produce milk was overwhelming.
Despite the push to breastfeed, there was a lack of support and understanding from healthcare providers. The World Health Organization promotes breastfeeding as the best way to ensure a child’s health and development, but these claims were never discussed with me. Instead, I was bombarded with remedies and supplements to increase my milk supply. In my desperate attempt to meet this unrealistic standard, I followed an unsustainable pumping schedule that drained me physically and mentally.
After months of this exhausting routine, I reached my breaking point. Postpartum depression consumed me, and I questioned my worth as a mother. The isolation caused by the pandemic limited my ability to connect with other moms who could relate to my struggles. It was during this dark time that I stumbled upon World Breastfeeding Week on social media. Seeing other mothers effortlessly breastfeeding their babies only deepened my pain.
Reflecting on my pre-baby self, I now understand that breastfeeding is not as simple as giving my son a bottle of formula. The pressure to provide the best for our children is immense, and this pressure can have devastating consequences, as seen in the tragic case of Florence Leung. Her husband’s plea for understanding and acceptance of formula as a viable option resonated deeply with me. I realized that I needed to prioritize my mental well-being and seek help to overcome postpartum depression.
Slowly, I began to let go of the guilt and forgive myself for not meeting society’s expectations. I supplemented with formula and eventually stopped breastfeeding altogether. It was only then that I was able to fully embrace motherhood and connect with my son on a deeper level. I learned the importance of self-compassion and making decisions that prioritized my own happiness and peace.
Now, with a healthy and happy toddler by my side, I celebrate World Breastfeeding Week with a different perspective. I know that love for my son doesn’t have to come at the expense of my well-being. Accepting help, embracing my own desires, and making decisions that protect my own happiness are what make me the best mother I can be.
Liz Hammond is a freelance copywriter based in Vancouver, British Columbia. She is currently working on a memoir about her experience with postpartum depression. You can follow her journey on her website and Instagram.
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