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In 2010, Itaru Sasaki, a Japanese garden designer, created a unique telephone booth as a way to cope with the loss of his cousin. He found solace in having one-sided “conversations” with his deceased relative. After the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Fukushima in 2011, Sasaki opened his “wind phone” to the public. To date, the booth has received over 30,000 visitors, who use it as a means to communicate with their loved ones lost in the disaster or for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one.
Grief can cause significant psychological and even physiological imbalance. However, it is a natural part of life, as we will inevitably lose people we love. In the United States alone, approximately 3 million individuals die each year, leaving an estimated five bereaved individuals per person. This means that nearly 15 million Americans experience fresh grief annually. Approximately one in 10 bereaved individuals suffer from prolonged grief, which is characterized by long-lasting and intense suffering.
Grief doesn’t have to be a solitary and harmful experience. It is possible to understand, manage, and grow from it. By comprehending our own grief, we can also assist others in their healing and growth.
Bereavement and grief are often used interchangeably, but they have distinct meanings. Bereavement refers to the loss of a loved one, while grief encompasses the physical, psychological, and social response to that loss. Despite being a universal experience, grief remains enigmatic to many. The common understanding of grief is based on the five stages proposed by the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the late 1960s. However, experts have largely moved away from this framework in recent years.
Medical professionals frequently observe typical symptoms of grief, particularly in the immediate aftermath of learning about a loved one’s death. These effects are part of the “separation response,” involving yearning, longing, and sadness. It can also lead to benign hallucinations of the deceased loved one and confusion about one’s own identity and relationship to others. Acute grief may even resemble mild dementia, as the loss of a person can temporarily disrupt our sense of time and space.
Neuroscientists have been studying the brain’s response to grief, which involves the activation of various regions, including the anterior cingulate cortex associated with experiencing pain. Skin conductance response is a method used to measure the physical arousal caused by grief, indicating the intensity of emotion and attention. The findings of a small neuroanatomical study published in The American Journal of Psychiatry in 2003 revealed that bereaved individuals exhibited the highest skin conductance response when presented with grief-related words accompanied by a photo of the deceased loved one.
Despite the debilitating nature of grief, especially in its early stages, it serves an evolutionary purpose. Throughout history, staying close to kin was crucial for survival, and the pain of separation played a vital role in motivating individuals to maintain those connections. However, when a loved one dies, immediate relief from this separation pain is impossible, and time is required for our brains to adjust to life without them.
For most people, the pain of grief gradually lessens over time. Research on widowed women conducted in 2019 found that the prevalence of depressive symptoms decreased significantly in the months following the loss. While everyone experiences grief differently, the data indicate that although the memory of lost loved ones never fades, most bereaved individuals experience significant recovery within a few months.
Despite the initial difficulties, it is possible to find happiness again after the loss of a loved one. In fact, research shows that over time, bereavement can lead to post-traumatic growth, including a greater appreciation for life, improved relationships, recognition of new possibilities, personal strength, and spiritual development. Here are four ways to make grief more manageable in the early stages and promote greater growth in the long run:
1. Seek meaning: Use the experience of grief as an opportunity to reflect on your beliefs and search for answers about the purpose and significance of life. This can involve exploring spirituality and religion, as they often provide solace and support during bereavement.
2. Embrace a new identity: Recognize that the loss of a loved one brings about changes in your own identity and behavior. Embrace these changes consciously and make meaningful adjustments to your life. Engage in new activities, spend time with friends, and explore new interests. See grief as an opportunity for personal growth and transformation.
3. Establish rituals: Creating mourning rituals can help restore a sense of control in the face of loss. These rituals can be as simple as playing a favorite song on specific days or writing letters to the deceased loved one. Recalling and participating in rituals related to the loss has been shown to reduce grief.
4. Seek support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or support groups to help navigate the grieving process. Sharing your feelings and experiences with others who have gone through similar situations can provide solace and understanding.
It is essential to remember that grief is a unique and individual experience. Everyone copes with loss in their own way and on their own timeline. By embracing the process, seeking support, and allowing time for healing and growth, it is possible to find joy and meaning in life again, even after the most profound losses.
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