As I settled onto my mat, which lay beneath a thin sheet, I closed my eyes behind my sleep mask. The air was filled with ambient music, setting a tranquil atmosphere. Surrounding me were 30 individuals, half of them lying on mats like me, while the other half sat beside them. My “sitter” held my hand as a doctor administered a shot of ketamine into my arm. The momentary sting was quickly soothed by my sitter’s reassuring grip and whispered words of comfort. Slowly, I drifted off into a realm beyond space and time, where anxiety and fear ceased to exist.
In this alternate world, I experienced a profound regression. I became a baby once again, carried on my mother’s back as we ran through a jungle, the rhythmic sound of drums echoing above us. In her embrace, I felt safe, connected, and loved, despite our prior unfamiliarity. This encounter unfolded during an experiential training I had attended for mental health and medical professionals seeking to understand the benefits of Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) and become KAP practitioners.
I spent a week immersed in this intensive program, residing on a farm in Napa, California. The curriculum delved into the effective use of ketamine alongside psychotherapy to address various mental health challenges. These issues ranged from PTSD and depressive phases of Bipolar I and II, to OCD, psychological reactions to physical illness, personality disorders, life-threatening illnesses, and substance use problems. What began as a mere curiosity about incorporating psychedelics into my therapy practice transformed into a life-altering experience on my personal healing journey.
My earliest memory of my mother dates back to when I was three years old, stepping foot in the LAX arrivals terminal after my first plane ride across the Pacific Ocean. As the glass doors slid open, I sat atop my father’s shoulders, eagerly searching for her. Among the crowd, I recognized her face, akin to my own. Though I was expected to feel excitement at our reunion, mirroring my father’s joy, genuine enthusiasm did not come naturally to me.
My mother had arrived in the United States a year before us, armed with minimal English skills and meager finances. She had made this sacrifice for our family, setting the stage for a complex web of emotions within me—guilt, gratitude, love, and resentment. To support not just us but also her widowed mother and younger siblings in Seoul, she tirelessly dedicated herself as a nurse. Yet, she rarely had time to care for me. Leaving the house at dawn and returning near dinnertime, Monday through Friday, nearly three decades long, her absence pervaded my entire existence.
Resentment inevitably flickered within me, but any inkling of bitterness swiftly dissipated when I considered the depths of her selflessness. This emotional pendulum swung between sadness, anger, and guilt, shaping not only how I related to her but also influencing my choice of emotionally unavailable partners in subsequent relationships. Desiring to be seen and chosen by individuals incapable of doing so left me yearning and unfulfilled.
I embarked on a long journey of grieving our relationship, seeking solace in therapy, family counseling, Ayahuasca retreats, psilocybin journeys, and confiding in loved ones. Yet, no approach managed to eradicate the anger and resentment that had taken root within me. Each phone call from my mother provoked an intense urge to hurl my device against the wall. Our conversations remained superficial, leaving forgiveness for her years of absence beyond reach.
Ketamine, however, altered the trajectory of my healing experience. It opened my heart, unraveling a path previously obscured. Originating as an anesthetic in the 1960s, ketamine gained attention in the late 1990s for its potential as an antidepressant. Psychiatrists began administering intramuscular ketamine within a psychotherapeutic context during the mid-2000s. In recent times, it has emerged as a popular method for treating mental health disorders, particularly for individuals who have struggled without improvement.
Ketamine possesses both antidepressant and dissociative properties. Under its influence, patients can momentarily escape their typical cognitive patterns, leading to relief from negativity and an enhanced sense of self-observation. Additionally, ketamine promotes neural plasticity, enabling the brain to adapt and change. These effects bolster a patient’s ability to engage in meaningful psychotherapy during and after ketamine administration.
During the workshop, we initially experienced ketamine through sublingual lozenges. Following this, a fellow attendee and sitter, a Vietnamese refugee with whom I shared a profound connection, profoundly impacted my perspective. She recounted her own revelations and the subsequent transformation she experienced. Her words resonated deeply within me. It was an eye-opening moment, prompting me to view my mother through a new lens – as someone traumatized and emotionally paralyzed after their harrowing journey to safety.
Recognizing this shared humanity, I approached my fellow attendee and asked her to be my sitter for a more intense intramuscular ketamine experience. My intention was to view my mother with compassion, as I knew a corrective experience was needed. A decade prior, I had been hit by a taxi while waiting to cross the street, and my mother flew to Chicago to care for me during my month-long recovery. She attended to my every need, bathing and feeding me, even sleeping beside me. It was a silver lining amidst the trauma. Unfortunately, this memory was overshadowed by another traumatic event that occurred during the subsequent surgery to replace a fractured bone under my eye.
As I lay in the hospital bed, moments before the operation, my mother, a devout Christian, asked if she could pray for me. Though reluctantly, I consented. She knelt beside me and uttered a prayer, but the words she chose unleashed buried anger within me: “Dear God, in case Sharon dies, please take care of her in heaven.” Overwhelmed by fury, tears streamed down my face. The memory haunts me to this day. I entered the operating room with a profound sense of fear and abandonment, terrified that this procedure might be my last.
With my sitter by my side, holding my hand and offering reassurance, I descended into a profound state of relaxation, surrendering to the transformative power of ketamine. The intramuscular injection, a more potent method compared to the lozenge, elicited almost immediate effects. As I delved deeper, the sound of my breath led me to a meditative state of detached observation.
Stripped of negative emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, and resentment, I found myself consumed by compassion and curiosity. Suddenly, my mother’s innocence became visible to me. She, too, was lost, confused, and scared, but she had masked these vulnerabilities because she was the adult and I was the child. My heart overflowed with love as we conversed in our native Korean language, reassuring one another. “Umma,” I called out, “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” she responded. A surge of euphoria coursed through my veins as I witnessed vibrant colors and soared into the sun. This, I thought, must be akin to heaven itself. And in that moment, I realized that all I ever wanted was my mother’s love and connection.
Ketamine had unveiled a profound truth, allowing me to release the burdensome emotions that had plagued me for so long. It facilitated a transformative shift in my perspective, enabling me to view my mother through a compassionate lens. The journey had been arduous, but in this altered state, I discovered a path towards healing and reconciliation.
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