My two daughters, Danny and Ava, have a significant age difference of 21 years. As a parent, I expected to be more confident with my second child, but the landscape of parenting has undergone remarkable changes. Fortunately, I found solace in an online community of fellow mothers, which has alleviated feelings of isolation.
I am a mother to two children who are separated in age by 21 years. My first child, Danny, came into the world when I was 25. Now at 24 years old, Danny has grown into a talented digital artist with a profound appreciation for life. In contrast, my second daughter, Ava, is almost three years old and possesses a lively and talkative nature. Parenting Ava has proven to be a different experience, and I assumed my prior parenting experience would make me more confident. However, despite my youth and anxiousness during Danny’s upbringing, I read multiple psychology and childcare books to ensure I wouldn’t inadvertently fail her. Oddly enough, instead of feeling reassured by the books, my worries escalated as I became increasingly afraid of unwittingly letting her down. I feared that she might encounter difficulties, distress, or even serious health issues that I wouldn’t be able to recognize. Thankfully, my worries turned out to be unfounded, and Danny grew up just fine.
Naturally, with Ava, I expected the second go-around to be less anxiety-inducing and easier. However, reality proved to be quite different. Although I am less anxious this time, I still find myself occasionally overwhelmed. It seems that most of the knowledge and expertise I acquired during Danny’s upbringing are no longer applicable. I am beginning to embrace the fact that each of my children has their own unique personality.
As a parent for the second time, I find myself attempting to apply the same parenting techniques and approaches that I used with Danny to Ava. However, they are entirely different individuals. Before Ava’s arrival, I had already planned color schemes for her room that Danny would have adored. Yet, to my surprise, Ava prefers different colors and finds joy in playing with an entirely distinct set of toys. Although both children share a love for flowers, Danny marveled at their intricacies during our leisurely walks, while Ava delights in getting her hands dirty by exploring the garden and prematurely harvesting her father’s vegetables. Danny enjoyed organizing elaborate tea parties, while Ava finds joy in jumping, riding toys, and being captivated by dinosaurs. Danny preferred simple attire, while Ava’s vibrant personality gravitates towards colorful and sparkly clothing. I have come to realize the importance of setting aside my preconceived notions and allowing Ava to show me her unique needs.
Parenting ideas have undoubtedly evolved over time. Current parenting methods encourage stepping back and giving children the freedom to explore and develop their intrinsic motivation. One mother I follow on Instagram embraces homeschooling her children in the serene hills of Wales, while another college friend practices “unschooling.” In the past, parents were taught to focus on developing their children’s potential through traditional schooling methods. Our generation was often referred to as “helicopter parents.” However, modern parenting emphasizes fostering self-confidence, freedom, and support to enable children to discover their passions. Danny embodies this mentality, and her artistic nature, coupled with her dissatisfaction with traditional schooling, influenced me to shield Ava from academic pressure and allow her to chart her own path. I believe that every generation gains self-awareness through their experiences, and it is vital for me to listen to Danny and the younger parents around me to broaden my perspectives.
Parenting priorities and gender norms have undergone significant changes along with societal shifts. We now live in an era where parents openly discuss the struggles, anxieties, and loneliness that can accompany motherhood. Researchers like Rumbi Görgens from Embrace challenge the notion that motherhood is an individual endeavor and highlight the crucial role of support for new mothers. It is now widely acknowledged that experiencing self-doubt and anxiety is normal for parents. This holistic approach to parenting places increased emphasis on the overall well-being of both mother and child. I am more aware of the importance of support, proper nutrition, and recognizing the symptoms of postnatal depression. When I had Danny, it was an entirely different story. I vividly remember breastfeeding in public restrooms that reeked of cigarette smoke. Thankfully, times have changed, and smoking is now prohibited in public spaces. Moreover, dedicated breastfeeding areas are now available in many public places. Unfortunately, due to autoimmune issues, I couldn’t exclusively breastfeed Ava and struggled to produce sufficient milk. The prevailing message I received was that “breast is best,” which made me feel guilty every time I resorted to formula feeding. Fortunately, I came across websites and bloggers who advocated for “fed is best,” and their insights helped alleviate my guilt.
Having Ava in recent years has heightened my awareness of the gendered aspects of childhood. Despite the broader cultural acceptance and understanding of gender fluidity, many aspects of childhood remain gendered. Girls’ clothing often features glitter and pink unicorns, while boys’ clothing incorporates animal and scientific themes. Although there are occasional options for gender-neutral clothing, there is a scarcity of space-themed shirts in the girls’ section, much to Ava’s dismay. I confess to transcending imposed gender boundaries when shopping for my daughter, covertly moving clothes from the “boys” section to the “girls” section. I have purchased dinosaur-themed trucks and plastic dinosaurs intended for boys. While clothes and toys can be easily interchanged, I worry about the societal beliefs associated with them and how they might impact Ava as she grows older. With Danny, I was oblivious to the importance of challenging gender limitations, but she has taught me valuable lessons in this regard.
Having an online community of honest and supportive mothers has been an invaluable gift during this second parenting journey. Through the internet, I have connected with mothers who share my worries and experiences. Reading about their uncertainties, fears, and guilt has provided a sense of comfort, particularly during pandemic-induced lockdowns when physical baby and toddler groups were unavailable. Although Ava has experienced a more isolated upbringing during the pandemic, I have felt less alone in navigating my anxieties.
Despite the differences in parenting experiences, certain aspects of raising children remain unchanged. Both of my daughters find solace in listening to stories, cuddling, and exploring books. Poetry captivated Danny’s heart, and Ava adores characters like Gerald the giraffe and the Gruffalo. When they are overwhelmed or hurt, comforting them with a hug and reassurance has always proved effective. Both girls appreciate when I kiss their boo-boos. Encouraging them to embark on new adventures has been essential in their growth.
While my parenting style has undergone transformations, certain aspects of parenting remain timeless. Both Danny and Ava share a love for animals and enjoy spending time at the beach, with me often coaxing them out of the water. Cleaning up spilled Weet-Bix before it hardens and removing jam stains from the couch are tasks that have stood the test of time. Finding time for myself, be it a cup of tea or a relaxing bath, has been made possible through the incredible support of my coparent. This support has been invaluable in maintaining a healthy balance. Although some elements of parenting are unique to each child, others serve as constants in the ever-evolving journey of parenthood.
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