Stepmom’s Perspective: Overcoming Challenges of Bonding while Breastfeeding


Carolyn Hax is currently unavailable. This article was originally published on October 11, 2009.

Dear Carolyn: I have a unique opportunity as a stepmother. My husband’s ex recently had a baby, and I want to have a relationship with the child that goes beyond the typical stepchild-stepparent dynamic. I want to be called “Mom” and be viewed as a third parent, rather than an outsider.

However, the current custody arrangement heavily favors the mother because she is breastfeeding. I’m afraid I will miss out on this special opportunity if I can’t spend time with the baby until she is older. Should I encourage my husband to seek split custody?

Anonymous: Are you willing to disrupt the bonding between the baby and her mother?

If you truly want to be a “third parent,” then you need to prioritize what is in the best interest of the child, rather than your own desires.

Determining what is best for the child is not always straightforward. It’s important to consider that allowing the baby to bond with her mother may be the best choice, as not all mothers are necessarily good mothers. Antagonizing the mother to get closer to the baby could have negative consequences.

Self-reflection is crucial. You must examine your own thoughts, ideas, and actions for any flaws, selfish motives, or ulterior motives. If you are unwilling to question yourself and consider the possibility that you may be wrong, it will be difficult to make the right decisions.

This principle applies universally, but it is especially important when there are young children involved and their well-being is at stake.

Instead of viewing your relationship with the baby as a competition, consider that bonding can happen at any age. Even if you feel like you are starting “late,” it does not diminish your value as a parent. Show your love, be present, and prioritize the child’s needs over your own ego.

Being a good parent has nothing to do with titles. The quality of the parent-child relationship depends on factors such as love, affection, setting boundaries, spending time, and showing respect. Be humble, acknowledge your mistakes, and understand your role in the child’s life.

If you possess these qualities and show respect towards the baby’s mother, you are more likely to have a strong parent-child bond. Impatience and animosity will only hinder your relationship with the child.

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