A few years ago, I entered into marriage and became a step-parent to a teenager who had a difficult upbringing with his alcoholic and chaotic mother, who eventually abandoned him. As he came to live with us, we faced numerous challenges in helping him establish a regular routine and find employment. However, he has made remarkable progress since then.
After living temporarily with another family member, with our financial support, we encouraged him to become independent, work more, and pay his own rent. Eventually, we reached a point where we could no longer afford to support him, and it also felt like he was taking advantage of our generosity. During this transition, he started dating a woman in her late 30s, which led to him quitting his job. Although he appears to be happy, this is his first serious relationship. I find myself oscillating between the belief that he needs to mature, make his own mistakes, and grow independently, and the concern that this situation may not be right for him and that he could be vulnerable. While my friends and husband downplay the situation, I can’t help but feel uncomfortable about the age difference, especially since the woman is my age. I still see him as a child. Our intention is to have open and honest conversations with him without pushing him away, but I question whether this relationship is potentially predatory.
When attempting to encourage adult children to become more independent, one of the challenges we may face is that they make choices we don’t approve of. To gain some perspective on this matter, I consulted with Katherine Walker, a UKCP registered psychotherapist. She emphasized the importance of differentiating between our own personal biases and genuine concerns for our stepson. Perhaps we are projecting our own insecurities onto the situation, assuming that we wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone of his age. However, our stepson might genuinely be happy with his current partner. While there may be unresolved trauma related to his mother, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is a vulnerable adult; it simply reflects the complexities of his past.
Walker’s advice would be the same if he were in a relationship with someone his own age and we were concerned: maintain a close relationship with him. It’s essential for us to pinpoint precisely what feels wrong or inappropriate about the situation. Have we had the opportunity to meet his girlfriend? Some older women may prefer relationships with younger men for various reasons that are not necessarily predatory. Alternatively, is our discomfort solely due to the fact that we wouldn’t personally choose to be in this situation? It’s natural to feel this way, but we must separate our own issues from his experiences.
Walker emphasized that none of this diminishes the fact that we are his stepmother and that it is evident we genuinely care for him. However, she questioned why others around him don’t seem overly worried, leaving us to shoulder all the responsibility. Is it because they genuinely don’t have concerns, or is it possible that they are disconnected from their emotions? The key challenge here is that, even though we view him as a child, he is legally an adult. While adults can find themselves in difficult or unsafe relationships, our advice remains the same as it would if he were dating someone his own age and we were worried: maintain a close relationship with him.
Walker suggests that as his stepmother, we should feel comfortable having a one-on-one conversation with him if his dad isn’t available. The goal should not be to preach or lecture him, as this will only make him defensive. Instead, communicate to him that we are there for him and that the lines of communication are open. We might say something like, “There’s always a bed for you here.” However, it’s crucial that we genuinely mean it. While he may not have achieved the level of independence we had hoped for, he has become independent from us and his dad. If it seems appropriate, we may address the age gap, but it should not overshadow our primary concern for his vulnerability. Focus on what is truly bothering us once we have identified it.
Perhaps our stepson is genuinely happy, and this relationship will lead to positive outcomes for him. However, if he is not content, we must ensure that he knows there is a safe place for him to return to. Additionally, Walker suggests listening to her podcast on step or bonus families, as it may provide helpful insights. Remember that every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses personal problems submitted by readers. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Unfortunately, Annalisa cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to terms and conditions, and comments on this piece are pre-moderated to keep the discussion focused on the article’s topics. Please note that there may be a short delay before comments appear on the site.
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