Support vs. Enablement: A Guide to Navigating Relationships with Empathy
It’s only natural to want to assist our loved ones when they face challenges such as substance misuse or mental health issues. However, there is a fine line between providing support and enabling destructive behaviors. By understanding the difference, we can offer genuine help to the people we care about. Clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla and other experts explain the distinction.
The Essence of Support
According to licensed therapist Rachel Thomasian, support is an act of kindness that demonstrates love and care. When we support someone, we help them become independent and confident individuals. This means being there for them during the ups and downs of life, without shielding them from consequences or sacrificing our own well-being. Supportive behavior involves promoting personal accountability, fostering open communication, establishing healthy boundaries, and encouraging growth and development.
Examples of supportive behavior include lending a listening ear to a friend in need, reaching out to a struggling family member, offering assistance in finding therapy or recovery programs for someone battling addiction, and providing emotional or material resources within reasonable limits.
The Hazards of Enablement
Enabling, on the other hand, involves excessive support that harms both the giver and receiver. It occurs when the enabler neglects their own needs and allows the person they’re helping to avoid facing the consequences of their actions. By shielding them from accountability, enabling perpetuates harmful behavior patterns and dependence on others.
Allowing someone to cut corners, making excuses for their poor choices, avoiding tough conversations, taking on an unfair share of responsibilities, failing to follow through on consequences, blaming others, feeling resentful, and sacrificing one’s own needs are all signs of enabling behavior.
Examples of enabling behavior include refusing to let a child experience the natural consequences of their actions, continuously providing financial resources to someone misusing them, and allowing a loved one to avoid any situations that cause them anxiety. While enablers often have good intentions, their actions prevent positive and lasting change.
Support vs. Enablement: The Long-Term Impact
The key difference between support and enablement lies in the long-term effects of our actions. Supportive behaviors aim for positive change, personal growth, and the development of good coping mechanisms. Enabling behaviors, however, merely mitigate the consequences of unhealthy actions, reinforcing negative behaviors.
For instance, when teaching a child to tie their shoes, supporting them means patiently guiding and empowering them through the learning process, while enabling involves tying their shoelaces for them to avoid frustration. Applying this principle to other situations, it becomes clear that true support means teaching someone to fish rather than hand them a fish every day.
Recognizing Enabling Behavior
It can be challenging to recognize when support crosses into enablement. Some questions to ask yourself include: Do I often put my loved one’s needs above my own? Do I constantly try to save them from the consequences of their actions? Am I allowing them to solve their own problems with my guidance and support? Or am I solving their problems for them? Am I speaking for them when they can speak for themselves? Do I fail to follow through on boundaries or expectations? Do I blame others instead of helping my loved one take responsibility?
Remember, supporting someone should never come at the expense of your own well-being. If you find yourself resenting your loved one or compromising your morals to provide support, it may be time to reassess your approach.
Shifting Towards Healthy Support
If you realize that you’ve fallen into a cycle of enabling behavior, seeking help from a therapist can be beneficial. A therapist can help you break these patterns and understand why they developed in the first place. As you shift away from enabling, keep these reminders in mind:
- It’s okay to say no when necessary.
- Set realistic boundaries and stick to them.
- Encourage personal accountability without making excuses for others.
- Support the growth and development of your loved ones by allowing them to learn from their mistakes.
- Focus on the long-term impact of your actions and ask yourself if they contribute to real and positive change.
By navigating our relationships with empathy and understanding, we can provide true support to our loved ones while avoiding the pitfalls of enablement.
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