While on a crowded plane soaring to 19,000ft, I couldn’t help but notice the fear in the eyes of those around me. However, I remained unfazed. My journey to fearlessness began in 2005 when I was diagnosed with Cushing’s syndrome, a rare condition resulting from excessive cortisol production. Despite years of misdiagnosis, I finally learned the truth.
Over the course of six years, I endured multiple operations, including three unsuccessful brain surgeries and an unsuccessful adrenalectomy. The situation seemed dire, until in 2010, I was offered a risky operation that involved removing a rib to access what remained of my adrenal gland. Desperation outweighed the pain, so I agreed to proceed.
Interestingly, I was not born without fear. In fact, I used to wake my wife in tears, consumed by the fear of death throughout my years of surgery. However, following my final operation, I woke up in a hospital bed attached to tubes. I had been on life support for days due to complications, including pneumonia and meningitis. Oddly enough, I felt nothing upon waking. The doctors explained that the removal of my adrenal glands had eliminated any ability to feel an adrenaline rush. Most individuals who undergo this operation still experience some semblance of fear, but due to my previous brain surgeries and other complications, the part of my brain responsible for fear had been deactivated.
News of my fearlessness spread, leading to an interview with my local radio station. In 2016, a fear specialist was brought in to test my lack of fear for a BBC science program. I was hooked up to heart monitors and asked to abseil down a towering structure. To everyone’s surprise, my heart rate remained steady. No excitement, suspense, or fear.
Since then, I have been constantly pushing myself to test my fearlessness, all the while hoping to regain my sense of fear. People often view fearlessness as a thrilling superpower, and to some extent, it is. However, there is another side to this coin.
I am a husband, a father to two children, and I work as a broadcast producer and presenter. Before my final operation, I would constantly worry and hover over my kids while they played. Now, I am devoid of that sensation. My eldest daughter is now 17 and venturing out with friends. I often find myself questioning what a “normal” parent would feel in these situations. Should I be panicking? I am forced to analyze how I should feel, rather than allowing it to arise naturally.
Adrenaline is often associated with fear, but it is also connected to excitement, joy, and nervousness. Therefore, other emotions have faded as well. I remember the overwhelming elation that consumed me when my daughters were born. Unfortunately, I can no longer experience that feeling, and it is a heartbreaking loss.
My family and I recently booked a vacation and purchased a new car, both of which would have brought immense excitement in the past. However, I now find myself devoid of enthusiasm. It’s a strange sensation to have nothing to look forward to. Each day blends together, lacking the usual anticipation. My goal is to raise awareness for Cushing’s syndrome and support others with the condition.
Don’t mistake me, I still feel love, and I maintain a strong connection with my daughters and wife. I am immensely grateful for their support and witnessing the joy and excitement they find in life. I consider myself fortunate that I wasn’t born fearlessly and can rely on memories to remind me of how things used to be. I do my best each day, and I hope my daughters recognize that.
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