In the heart of the kitchen in Bath, I am witness to my parents’ usual comedy routine, which we affectionately refer to as their marriage. While the topics of their banter may vary, it usually revolves around food. My dad, known for his obsession with lunch, starts thinking about it as early as 11am, much to my mum’s disbelief as she squeals, “But we’ve only just had breakfast!”
As a Covid boomerang who found themselves back “home” for the pandemic, I have had the unique opportunity to observe my parents’ relationship up close for nearly three years. This is a privilege rarely afforded to adult children. When I gave up my London flat at the age of 30, I never imagined that I could learn anything about relationships from my parents. After all, I was a dating columnist, an expert on matters of romance, and they were merely the stable, old-fashioned backdrop to my exciting life.
Yet, to my surprise, I have come to realize that my generation has much to learn from theirs, and plenty of reasons to feel envious. As I recently flew the nest again, this time to Glasgow, and immerse myself in the unpredictable world of modern dating, I can’t help but notice that I have carried with me a new set of relationship rules, much like the pans I may have “borrowed” from my parents’ kitchen.
Allow me to share with you what my boomer parents’ marriage has taught me about love, complete with their invaluable insights presented in an unconventional yet enlightening manner.
1. Embrace Challenges Instead of Giving Up Easily
Millennials, myself included, have often arrogantly assumed that the abundance of choices in modern, online dating would make finding the perfect relationship much easier compared to our parents’ era. However, what I have come to understand is that this multitude of choices has made us more picky and less willing to navigate through difficulties. Unlike my parents, we tend to walk away when things become slightly rough. Yet, now I know that I should give someone good a chance because perfection is an illusion.
2. Serendipity Plays a Major Role in Finding “The One”
The proliferation of dating apps has accelerated the pace of modern dating, causing young people to swiftly move from one encounter to the next in search of the elusive perfect match. Paradoxically, the more relationships we have, the less likely we are to settle. Our generation lacks staying power. On the other hand, my parents, who met in 1980s London through a Time Out magazine advert, remind me that finding true love can be a matter of chance. This realization initially unsettled me, as chance can feel precarious, driving my generation to compulsively swipe in hopes of better odds. However, my parents’ story assures me that there is still time and hope.
3. The Power of Small Acts of Love
Growing up on a diet of Hollywood movies, it is easy to believe that love is all about grand gestures. However, I have discovered that love resides in the respectful consideration and thoughtfulness we show towards one another. It’s my dad mowing my mum’s allotment or my mum surprising him with fried egg crisps from a posh wine bar because she knows he adores them. When I visited the home of a man I was dating and found it filthy with no hot water, I realized that these were not the signs of someone who cared. Conversely, a recent date arrived with a beautifully scented candle, taking note of the many candles I had in my own flat, and I genuinely appreciated the gesture.
4. Great Couples Don’t Need to Be Attached at the Hip
My dad is a master at turning minor issues into dramatic sagas, while my mum chooses her battles wisely and assumes the role of the patient partner. He is an introvert, and she thrives in social gatherings. Do opposites attract, or would my mum perhaps be happier with someone who shared her extroverted nature and was less contrary? What I have learned from them is that great couples don’t need to do everything together. Yes, they share many common interests, but they also maintain their individuality, allowing their lives to intertwine naturally. I now appreciate the value of personal space that allows love to flourish in the long run.
5. The Language of Love Through Domestic Gestures
Observing my father’s culinary prowess as he effortlessly prepares dinner every night, I have developed a newfound desire to learn to cook, with the hope of one day creating something extraordinary for someone special. I’ve realized that domestic gestures hold great significance to a person. On the other hand, my dad rarely surprises my mum with flowers or gifts, a lesson I intend to remember and incorporate into my own relationships, should I be fortunate enough to find a life partner. Meanwhile, my mum’s weakness is becoming slightly snippy and emotional after a couple of glasses of wine, a trait I have inherited. However, my dad demonstrates endless understanding and acceptance, which has deeply impacted my understanding of relationships.
6. Laughter as the Foundation of a Strong Relationship
Above all, what has stood out in my parents’ marriage is the abundance of laughter in our household. I have made it a habit to document their funniest quotes and recite them during our evening gatherings. To my surprise, these retellings elicit even more laughter than the original conversations. They effortlessly engage in dialogue, resembling a seasoned comedic duo, and I often feel as if I am part of a rural farce. This humor has become the adhesive that binds our family together.
Of course, there are certain aspects of my parents’ relationship that I prefer not to share or discuss. The awkwardness of sneaking back into the house after a successful date is a prime example. “I’ll never get used to how quickly young people sleep together,” my mum once remarked. Was I being shamed by my own mother? Even worse was when my dad informed me that men are more interested when women make them wait. Conversations about sex with my dad are not something I cherish.
As my younger brother recently tied the knot, it made me contemplate whether marriage and children could be part of my future as well. I hope that modern dating hasn’t so thoroughly damaged me that I am incapable of sustaining a relationship for more than six months. However, with the wisdom imparted by my parents, who serve as a beacon of what a fulfilling life with a partner can look like, I now believe that I have a greater chance of finding lasting love.
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