- I discovered the term “touched out,” which describes being physically overwhelmed, when I became a mother.
- I started to notice that the challenges of parenting in America reflected a culture of male control.
- This is an excerpt from “Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent, and Control” by Amanda Montei.
When I became a mother in 2015, I discovered the term “touched out.” This term described the constant physical overwhelm that many women experience in motherhood. It often led mothers to seek moments of solitude, creating imaginary barriers between themselves and the world. This feeling resonated with me as I navigated the challenges of motherhood.
Over time, I began to notice a correlation between the conditions of motherhood in America and a culture of male control. Even amidst the #MeToo movement, where women were bravely speaking out about sexual violence, the concept of feeling “touched out” remained normalized among mothers. This made me question the connection between the pressures of motherhood and the larger culture of assault that we grew up in.
Women’s bodies are constantly touched without consent
The aversion to being touched by my children and my husband made me realize that there was deep unresolved trauma within me. Memories of past violations resurfaced alongside the feeling of not wanting to be touched. As my children interacted with my body without boundaries, it mirrored the power dynamics I had experienced with men.
Motherhood often triggered these feelings. Author Lyz Lenz captures this sentiment by quoting a mother who said, “A man is always grabbing at my body.” This statement speaks to the pervasive nature of male power and control.
The presence of male power in our lives controls women’s bodies and autonomy
Patriarchal power has always been ingrained in America’s national character, but its visibility became more apparent to me after becoming a mother, especially after the 2016 election. The news was filled with male lawmakers aggressively attacking women’s reproductive rights.
The sense of being pursued was overwhelming. As new laws and legal battles threatened our bodies and reproductive lives, the encroachment of male power felt suffocating. The overturning of Roe v. Wade and the conservative pursuit of a national ban on abortion were clear indications that our autonomy was at stake.
The continuous onslaught of news stories about laws impacting birth control, healthcare, and abortion further highlighted the assault on women’s rights. This unrelenting power grab perpetuates a culture of control and domination.
These societal dynamics have a profound impact on the spaces we share with our children. The expectations placed on mothers to conform to idealized standards of parenting compound the pressures they face. The image of the exhausted and overwhelmed mother has become normalized in American culture, dismissing the seriousness of her physical and mental well-being.
The contradictions of accepting both sexual violence and impossible parenting standards as societal norms are clear. The suffering experienced by women throughout their lives is not inevitable; it is a product of a culture that perpetuates these notions.
Excerpted from “Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent, and Control” (Beacon Press, September 12, 2023). Reprinted with permission from Beacon Press.
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