I have a dear friend who I’ve known for over 10 years. She’s incredibly intelligent, stunningly beautiful, insightful, and emotionally intelligent. She has expressed her desire to find a compatible partner and start a family, and I truly believe she would make an exceptional partner and an amazing mother.
However, during our recent vacation together, I began to understand why she struggles to find and maintain a relationship: she has a gluten intolerance and talks about it excessively. While I want her to communicate her needs, she seems unaware that her constant focus on her allergy makes her come across as high-maintenance and uninteresting. I would simply accept it as one of her unique qualities if I hadn’t noticed how others are also put off by her preoccupation.
I suspect that her fixation on her illness is sabotaging her life goals. Should I inform her that her relationship with her condition is overshadowing her wonderful personality? And if so, do you have any suggestions on how I can approach this conversation in a way that minimizes potential hurt?
Eleanor says: To some degree, the inclination to extensively discuss our illnesses is a way to counteract the inherent loneliness of being sick.
When you’re unwell, it’s impossible for others to fully grasp the firsthand experience of your symptoms. They cannot feel what it’s like, the impact on your body, or the sensations you endure. All you can do is describe it and talk about it, which can leave you feeling isolated on an island while everyone else is on the mainland.
This is a common theme when people discuss pain and illness: there’s always something happening within them that others cannot comprehend. Having something wrong with your body is like constantly hearing a noise that nobody else can hear.
It’s possible that your friend has endured immense suffering due to her intolerance. Conditions like Crohn’s disease or celiac disease can cause significant physical distress. If she has experienced chronic pain or struggled to obtain a diagnosis, her tendency to excessively discuss her condition might be a way to combat the resulting loneliness. Her body tries to isolate her, but she fights back by involving others through constant conversation.
Alternatively, she may confide in you about it because you are a trusted friend. In the broader culture, it has become fashionable to dismiss allergies and intolerances, implying that they signify weakness. However, if she has felt ridiculed or disregarded by society, she may engage in these discussions with you because she believes you won’t dismiss her.
Of course, it’s also plausible that she is simply being tiresome. Sometimes people become fixated on expressing themselves without realizing it. They may want to share every detail of an infected toenail or recount their experience with food poisoning because these minor idiosyncrasies make them feel unique and interesting.
However, even if that’s the case, you cannot definitively conclude that this conversational tendency is “sabotaging” her ability to form the desired relationship. Many people are perfectly fine with discussion about allergies, or even appreciate the opportunity to share details of their own health conditions. People engage in all sorts of behaviors within relationships that others might find dull. You could advise a model train enthusiast to avoid talking about steam engines on dates, or you could hope they find someone who shares their excitement.
If you believe her excessive discussions aren’t serving the purpose of venting about her isolating experience, you could subtly indicate that you find the topic repetitive. However, there is a distinction between expressing that it bores you personally and implying that it is an inherently boring behavior that hinders her life goals. Rushing into the latter could jeopardize your friendship.
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