Dear reader,
I am delighted to hear about the successful balance you and your husband have achieved between career, lifestyle, and parenting. It is not uncommon for some friction to arise when there are competing demands on time and financial resources.
I am confident that you can navigate this situation, but let me offer some perspective to assist you further.
It appears that you have been dividing expenses proportionally based on earnings, and this approach extends to your holiday budget as well.
In some families, the family holiday is considered a collective expense. However, when both partners earn, there is usually a compromise and negotiation regarding the level of extravagance in the budget and individual contributions.
Another aspect of this negotiation concerns the enjoyment factor. I recall wanting to take my boys skiing while all they desired was to revisit Butlins. Although it was not a problem from a budgetary perspective, I found it difficult to muster excitement for another week of Redcoats and funfair rides.
In your case, it seems that you and the children are more enthusiastic about Disney than your husband. I wonder if his reluctance is truly about the cost or if there might be an alternative family holiday that would excite him more. Perhaps it doesn’t have to be cricket; it simply needs to be something more enticing than Disney.
It seems that your husband has limited time away from the kids. While you dutifully accompany him on cricket weekends, he takes care of the kids while you travel for work. Maybe designing a holiday that aligns with your desires and provides some space for dad could benefit everyone involved.
For the next holiday, you could collaborate and choose something that everyone in the family looks forward to. This way, Disney doesn’t become the default family holiday with dad missing out, but rather a trip specifically for the Disney fans.
Hobbies that dominate the family calendar, limit earnings, and impact the budget can often become points of contention for couples. Over the years, I have encountered individuals who have felt neglected due to their partner’s involvement in football, karate, salsa, fencing, and amatuer dramatics. However, having interests outside of family and work can also be a healthy outlet.
When it comes to financing hobbies, open and fair discussions are crucial to prevent feelings of resentment. Agree on boundaries and budgets, and periodically revisit the agreement to ensure it remains relevant, as discretionary spending tends to increase over time.
I applaud your mutual respect for each other’s strengths and contributions within your family dynamic. With a little give and take, I am confident you can resolve this situation, just as you have overcome previous challenges associated with cohabitation, coparenting, and coexistence.
What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments below, and we’ll publish the best responses. Alternatively, email us – in confidence – with your own ethical finance questions: [email protected]
Last week’s ethical finance query was: ‘I sacrificed my career for our baby – should the father compensate me?’
Here are some noteworthy comments:
Hilary Simpson
Throughout my career, part of my job involved advising women about maternity leave and their options upon returning to work.
Every person’s situation was unique, but one thing stood out: women who were confident about returning to work soon after childbirth often changed their minds after the baby was born. Similarly, many women who were confident about staying at home to care for their baby found themselves missing the workplace and realizing that full-time childcare wasn’t their preference.
The moral of the story is not to plan too far ahead. You cannot predict how you will truly feel once your baby arrives, so it’s important for both partners to keep all options open.
Les Miles
Call me old-fashioned if you must (my daughter certainly does), but from the moment my late wife and I started living together, all the money we earned, regardless of whose it was, became OUR money and went into a joint account.
All spending decisions became joint decisions, and I usually deferred to her in that regard. Later on, after our daughter was born, my wife stopped working to dedicate herself to raising our child.
I regularly deposited funds into a bank account in my wife’s name for her discretionary spending, and I made her a signatory on my bank accounts, including my company accounts.
We had a harmonious marriage for over forty years until my wife passed away. People who insist on separate finances are not fully committing themselves to each other and may be setting themselves up for marital difficulties.
Stuart McAllister
She makes a valid point. While it may be fine during the childbearing years, she will have a reduced or no pension upon retiring, while he will have a full pension.
If they were to split for any reason, she would be financially worse off. The power that comes with being the primary wage earner should not be underestimated, and no one can force you to share your earnings.
In the event of a divorce, he would also have the means to afford a better lawyer. Therefore, her concerns are valid. I hope they can find a resolution.
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