People have the ability to change their behaviors in order to become better partners, but it requires a commitment to radical honesty and open communication. If you want to improve your marriage, it’s important to understand your own desires and have a conversation with your husband about whether or not he is willing to grow with you, according to a therapist.
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Dear Julia,
I find myself surrounded by my husband’s narcissistic family who consistently display inconsiderate and disrespectful behavior towards me. They twist my reactions to make it seem like I’m the problem. I am fully aware of their tactics, and unfortunately, I see that my husband allows it to happen.
Deep down, I believe that my husband also possesses narcissistic traits like the rest of his family. However, his narcissism is not as extreme, so I convince myself that he is just insecure, defensive, and unsure of how to rectify the situation. It seems easier to go along with the narcissists rather than go against them, and I can’t really blame him. Despite everything, I love him and recognize his need for emotional security, especially considering his family background. So, is it wrong to accept our marriage as it is, rather than trying to break free?
I understand my self-worth, but I am also a woman who is deeply in love. I hold on to the hope that if I stand by my husband through the difficult times, he will eventually realize the need to overcome his insecurities and stop defending his family’s drama.
Is there any hope for my narcissistic husband in this situation?
– North Carolina
Dear North Carolina,
I understand your desire to make your relationship work despite its imperfections. Hope and love are powerful feelings, and I have experienced moments where I have been consumed by them. However, I have also come to realize that holding on to hope and love too tightly can prevent personal growth. Letting go may be painful, but it can lead to a better future.
Upon reading your question, I wondered if you might be facing a similar situation. So, I reached out to Jaime Mahler, a therapist who specializes in helping individuals heal from narcissistic relationships. She provided some valuable insights on your predicament. Mahler explained that the fear of being alone often drives us to settle for less than we deserve.
According to Mahler, societal norms often lead us to believe that enduring a mediocre relationship is worthwhile. However, she encourages us to challenge this belief if we want to live our best, most fulfilled lives. Taking time for self-reflection, understanding the kind of marriage you desire, and openly communicating this with your husband can help you determine the best way forward.
Consider whether you want to redefine your relationship standards. When we hear about people ending relationships, we tend to focus on extreme situations such as abuse or infidelity. Yet, it is also valid to end a relationship due to reasons that may seem less severe, such as feeling consistently negative and unhappy or disliking how your partner allows their family to mistreat you. Mahler advises against running at the first sign of toxic habits or behaviors, as these can be present in any relationship, regardless of whether a person is diagnosed as a narcissist. However, if you hold onto hope that your partner will change without evidence of their efforts, you risk losing yourself in the marriage. It is essential to establish your own standards and determine where your boundaries lie, separating endurance from genuine love.
Mahler suggests taking some time alone to evaluate if you genuinely want to improve your marriage. If you feel too drained to put in the effort or worry that you may become resentful, these could be signs that you are in the wrong relationship. However, if you decide that you want to try, it is crucial to reflect on the patterns and behaviors that exist between you and your husband. Acknowledge toxic behaviors, such as name-calling, blame-shifting, and swearing, and consider which behaviors, both from your husband and his family, are causing you harm.
To determine if there is hope for your narcissistic husband, have an open and honest conversation with him about the changes you would like to see in your marriage. This may be a difficult conversation to have, as people often avoid confronting the truth out of fear. However, it is an essential part of any healthy relationship. By learning your husband’s true feelings and intentions, you can make an informed decision about the future. While confronting the truth may lead to disappointment, it can also provide an opportunity for growth and the possibility of finding the loving and fulfilling relationship you truly deserve.
Hope should never be completely abandoned, North Carolina. Just be mindful that you are investing your hope in a relationship that aligns with your worth and values.
As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to address all your inquiries about dating, love, and intimacy. Your questions are welcomed and will be answered anonymously with input from a panel of health experts, including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists. Julia’s aim is to provide science-backed answers to your burning questions, all with a personal touch. Please feel free to submit your question anonymously through the provided form.
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