Thanks to my column in this magazine, I receive many inquiries from the public about a common issue – a lack of fulfillment in life and how to find it. Although each question is unique, I’ve noticed that there are certain universal principles that apply to all individuals searching for fulfillment. I’ve gathered these principles in my book, The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read. Here’s an excerpt:
Often, we make decisions based on how we feel internally and how we appear externally to ourselves and others. I refer to this as internal and external referencing. These two drivers can sometimes conflict with each other. To find fulfillment, it’s important to prioritize how you feel internally over how things merely appear externally, even if they seem impressive.
I received a letter from a teacher who struggled with reconciling these two aspects. They asked why people are defined by their professions and if it’s limiting their life. The small talk question of “What do you do?” has become a burden for them. While being a teacher brings satisfaction, it also comes with the mental load of not just educating students but also taking care of their well-being. Balancing family and work responsibilities has become a struggle.
The teacher ponders the idea of pursuing a different career that won’t occupy so much mental space. However, they are conflicted because they have defined themselves as a teacher for 20 years. They can’t fathom describing themselves as having a non-professional job like stacking shelves or working in doggy daycare. When discussing this with their father, he expresses disappointment, as he likes telling people that his child is a teacher. The teacher also realizes that they have unintentionally shown more approval when their own children express interest in professional careers. Now, they just want their children to be happy. So, how can they find the courage to be themselves without a label, and how can they instill this mindset in their daughters?
Many of us strive to appear to be doing the right thing, focusing on activities that look good on our CVs rather than giving us present satisfaction. If we have the privilege of choosing the work we do, it’s crucial that we prioritize how we feel when engaging in that work, rather than just the idea of it. The work should be fulfilling because it feels good, not just because it looks good to ourselves and others.
To those who can relate to the teacher’s letter, I would advise learning to internally reference more. This means understanding how things feel to you and relying less on external references, which focus on how things appear to others. I’m not saying all external referencing is negative, but it’s important to strike a balance. If we don’t care about how we come across to others and only prioritize pleasing ourselves, we may struggle to adapt to different cultures and find acceptance.
Toward the end of the excerpt, I touch upon the idea that we should base our decisions less on appearance and more on how they feel. This may sound like common sense, but it’s essential to verbalize these concepts to better grasp them. Symbols of status that we hold onto may not hold universal significance. People outside the legal world may not differentiate between a district judge, a high court judge, or an appeal judge – they simply hear “judge.” Most individuals wouldn’t think less of someone based on their specific job title or lack thereof. The same applies to relationships – people often remain in unhappy partnerships because they appear fine on the outside.
I recall a letter I received from a young woman whose boyfriend broke up with her. In the same letter, she described their relationship as distant and judgmental, and their sex life as consistently unsatisfying. Despite these issues, her family viewed them as a happy couple. We should try not to worry about how things appear on the outside.
In general, women are often told that fulfillment comes from having a husband and children, but this idea may not hold true for everyone. It’s important to challenge assumptions about what happiness should look like. This can be an exciting and transformative journey as we uncover our true desires and goals.
I received a letter from a trainee doctor who discussed feeling distant from medicine. Although they believe it’s important and want to make a positive impact on people’s lives, they struggle with the seriousness and weight associated with the profession. They find it difficult to focus on studying medicine and feel overwhelmed by the vast amount of information they need to know. Is there a way to see medicine as less important, serious, risky, and heavy, and bring a sense of enjoyment to it?
In many of us, there exist conflicting subpersonalities – one that desires willpower and one that rebels against it. We often know what our willpower wants and what our inner rebel dislikes, but what does the inner rebel truly desire? Understanding this inner rebel is crucial to avoid making excuses and to engage in activities that bring us fulfillment and enjoyment.
Overall, it’s important to prioritize how we feel internally and rely less on external appearances. By internally referencing more and understanding our own desires, we can find greater fulfillment in life.
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