Among my social circle and family, I have earned the reputation of being the one who isn’t afraid to discuss the topic of sex. I find it important to ask people about their sex lives and I encourage my children to be open and curious about sexual matters. What’s even more remarkable is that, even after being married for twenty-five years, my partner and I still have an active and fulfilling sex life. Though we have settled into a somewhat routine schedule, which works well for both of us, working from home has allowed for spontaneous moments of passion. Surprisingly, this seems to baffle many women my age, who are content with reducing their sexual activity.
So, when I was approached to review Dr. Emily Morse’s new book, “Smart Sex: How To Boost Your Sex IQ And Own Your Pleasure,” I felt confident that the journey would be easy for me and that my husband, Anthony, would be willing to participate. After all, he’s up for anything—or so I thought. Turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Dr. Morse, an author and sex therapist known for her long-running podcast “Sex With Emily,” believes that we have forgotten how important it is to prioritize pleasure in our lives, and that many of us fail to see sex as a crucial aspect of self-care. Her solution? A nearly 300-page book filled with sex tips, complete with chapters like “Have Moregasms.”
One of Dr. Morse’s main suggestions is for couples to schedule a monthly meeting, or what she calls a “sex summit,” to openly discuss their desires and preferences in the bedroom. Her very first line, “By the age of 35, many people think their best sex is behind them,” resonates with a lot of my friends who are in their 40s and 50s. In fact, our book club often revolves around discussions about ways to avoid intimacy with our husbands. Menopause seems to be the common excuse, as it supposedly kills all libido and it never returns. However, Dr. Morse argues that in any relationship, there is always room for improvement through better communication and a heightened sexual IQ.
Most of us believe that we are already “collaborating” by engaging in sexual acts with our partners. However, we rarely have explicit conversations about our sex lives because we assume that our partners should already know how to please us. This lack of communication leaves us disengaged from each other’s pleasure. Therefore, the idea of a sex summit becomes increasingly appealing. Dr. Morse recommends setting aside just ten minutes each month to discuss what’s working and what isn’t, and to explore new possibilities. Importantly, these conversations should remain positive, light-hearted, and flirtatious.
Dr. Morse provides a helpful checklist of questions for these summits, such as: “When you think about the hottest sex we could ever have, what does it look like?” While imagining my response to this question, I find it difficult to answer, as though someone asked me to name my favorite restaurant—my mind draws a blank. Moreover, I’m troubled by the thought of asking my husband a direct question like, “May I share something I’d like more of during sex?”
Dr. Morse acknowledges that discussing sex often makes us uncomfortable. We may fear how our partners will react to our desires or what they might disclose to us. To navigate these conversations, she offers practical advice, such as using humor and appreciating the absurdity of the situation. It’s important to keep the discussions brief and positive, offering suggestions and invitations rather than criticisms. Additionally, choose the right time and place for these conversations, making sure that the atmosphere is intimate and playful rather than accusatory.
Throughout the book, Dr. Morse encourages curiosity, emphasizing the importance of listening and continuous learning. She urges readers to approach each new sexual experience as a discovery to be cherished rather than an obligation. Personally, I fear being told that I’m doing something wrong in bed. But, as I reflect on Dr. Morse’s advice, I remind myself that communication is lubrication and that it plays a pivotal role in improving our sexual experiences.
What appeals to me most is Dr. Morse’s belief that sex never has to become stagnant or settle for mediocrity. Who’s to say that we can’t find more pleasure in it? I appreciate her emphasis on embracing our desires without shame or frivolity. She refers to it as the “productivity of pleasure,” suggesting that the ongoing pursuit of sexual fulfillment with our partners can ultimately lead to increased relaxation, engagement, and sensuality, regardless of our age or circumstances.
I yearn to be more in touch with my sensuous side, to feel relaxed and content. I also recognize that complacency can be detrimental to any relationship—we can’t predict how things will be in the future. Despite being comfortable discussing others’ sex lives, I admit that my husband and I have rarely talked about our own intimate experiences over the past twenty-five years. The idea of analyzing our sexual relationship has always felt too cringe-worthy for me.
That night, as we prepared for bed, I mustered up the courage for our first sex summit. Of course, I didn’t frame it as such to my husband—I didn’t want him to panic and flee. Following Dr. Morse’s advice, I attempted to initiate the conversation with a more subtle approach. “Hey, I’m reading this book that suggests all couples should discuss their sex lives to ensure that they’re fulfilling each other’s needs. Otherwise, how do we know if there’s something we haven’t tried yet, that’s on our sexual bucket list?” I took a deep breath. “So…is there something new you’d like to explore?”
Silence. I quickly panicked and began singing, “Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me…” My husband gave me that familiar alarmed look he reserves for when I mention my infatuation with Harry Styles.
My confidence waivered. Perhaps I hadn’t considered the importance of Dr. Morse’s advice to be mindful of the timing, tone, and environment before engaging in these conversations. Maybe I should have offered him an apple with the cup of tea I made for him. Dr. Morse wisely reminds us to be patient and consistent with these discussions, assuring us that they will become easier over time. Eventually, they will be an integral part of our relationship.
Unfortunately, that seems like a distant dream as my husband continues to regard me as if I’ve lost my mind. I can’t blame him, though—I have undoubtedly approached this mission with a sense of urgency. So, I decide to come clean and show him the book. Once I’m honest about my intentions, the conversation flows more smoothly. However, as I read aloud the section on the sex summit, written by an American…
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