When Nick Farrow picks up his eight-year-old daughter Milly from her mother’s house, the enthusiastic little girl eagerly greets him. He lovingly embraces her before engaging in a conversation with her mother, Rae. At first glance, one would assume they were a shining example of “conscious uncoupling” – two former partners making a concerted effort to co-parent without the usual acrimony associated with divorce. However, Rae, 50, and Nick, 54, have never been married. In fact, they have never had a sexual relationship, despite their biological connection to Milly. Their unique and modern arrangement represents a new frontier in parenthood known as platonic “co-parenting.” While this concept initially gained popularity within the LGBTQ+ community, it is now gaining traction among heterosexual individuals who choose to raise a child with a non-romantic partner, rather than doing it alone or through traditional methods such as sperm donation.
Platforms like Modamily and PollenTree have facilitated the process of finding co-parenting partners, and during the pandemic, there has been a significant surge in interest, with a 50% increase in activity on co-parenting matchmaking sites. Approximately 70,000 people in the UK are now advertising themselves online as potential co-parents, and surprisingly, 40% of users on sites like Modamily are men. This challenges the notion that only women have a desire to be parents. “Men get broody too,” says Nick, a gardener and writer from Brighton who never anticipated becoming a pioneer of such an unconventional arrangement. “Ever since I was about 35, I just knew I had to be a parent. I assumed I would become a dad in the traditional way, but when I was 43, my long-term partner decided she didn’t want children after all – the day before we moved into a bigger home to start a family. Suddenly single in my 40s, I was worried I wouldn’t find the right person in time, and I didn’t want to be an old dad. When I met Rae through Modamily, I instantly realized I could raise a child with her as a team. Now we have the most amazing daughter imaginable.”
Despite the positive outcomes of this arrangement, there are critics who argue that shuttling between two different homes may cause stress for the child. Additionally, some worry that children raised in platonic co-parenting arrangements may miss out on witnessing romantic love between their parents. However, Nick admits that he found himself developing romantic feelings for Rae just two weeks after Milly was born. Rae, however, was firm in their commitment to maintaining a platonic relationship. Despite the initial challenges and detractors, Nick insists that the arrangement has been successful. He emphasizes the advantages of co-parenting over traditional marriages that often end in divorce, where lingering resentment can negatively impact the children involved. With platonic co-parenting, both individuals can channel all their attention and affection towards raising the child.
Nick, who grew up with parents in a long-lasting marriage, always knew he wanted to become a father. This desire was solidified when a friend’s five-year-old daughter embraced him and exclaimed, “I love you, Uncle Nick!” when he was in his thirties. “I felt that if I didn’t become a father, my life would be incomplete,” he says. Following the end of his long-term relationship in 2011, Nick approached dating with the intention of finding a woman to have a child with, making it clear from the start that his main focus was not finding love. It was through a lesbian friend that he first discovered the concept of platonic co-parenting, which had gained popularity among heterosexual individuals in the United States and Canada. Captivated by the idea of “rainbow families,” Nick realized that finding a soulmate and experiencing a lifelong romantic partnership might not be as common or feasible as he had hoped.
Although one might assume that a single eligible man would have no trouble finding a female partner who also desires children, Nick was concerned about becoming an older father. “At 43, I was fairly knackered already,” he admits. “I was aware my health could decline at any moment, and I wouldn’t have enough energy to keep up with a child.” Although he briefly considered asking a friend to co-parent with him, he ultimately felt that someone he met through a co-parenting platform would be more committed to the idea than a friend who might have second thoughts. In 2013, Nick joined Modamily, an American site that facilitates co-parenting, dating, and sperm donation. Since its inception in 2011, Modamily has gained 100,000 members worldwide and claims to have played a role in the birth of 1,000 babies. Similar to dating apps, users create profiles with pictures and descriptions and can search for potential partners within a specific geographic radius.
While the process seems straightforward, having a child through such an arrangement poses significant challenges. It is common for co-parenting agreements to be established before conception, but these agreements are not legally binding in the UK. Unlike married fathers, platonic co-parents do not automatically receive parental responsibility. Furthermore, throughout the pregnancy, the father has no legal rights, including in the event of a woman deciding to have a termination. If the pregnant woman chooses to raise the child alone, the father would have to go to court to establish his paternal rights. However, a 2018 ruling allows two individuals living separately to be recognized as platonic parents of their child. Additionally, a co-parent can acquire parental responsibility by ensuring their name is on the birth certificate, as Nick did.
After failed attempts to establish co-parenting agreements with lesbian couples, Nick met Rae, a 42-year-old social worker who had been on the Modamily site for a few months, in the spring of 2014. Rae had a strong desire to become a mother but was concerned that time was running out after several unsuccessful relationships. During their first meeting at a pub in Worthing, West Sussex, Nick found Rae to be intelligent, principled, and eloquent. “We share the same values,” he says. “We are both liberal, and we communicate in similar ways. I could tell she was a good person, and we felt that we could be friends, which was crucial.” After a month of weekly meetings, Nick and Rae crafted a co-parenting agreement using divorce custody agreements as a template. This document outlined their plans for raising their child, covering aspects such as education, finances, child access, diet, and screen time. Their six-page agreement included commitments like not moving away from Sussex while raising their child and refraining from introducing romantic partners until they had been dating for at least 18 months.
In July 2014, during a picnic, Nick proposed the idea of having a baby to Rae, who eagerly accepted. They decided to conceive through artificial insemination using a kit purchased from Amazon. Nick was adamant about avoiding any emotional attachments, so he and Rae chose this method instead of natural insemination. A month later, Rae discovered she was pregnant after taking a test alone. She shared the joyous news with Nick, and their journey as co-parents began.
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