Dear Therapist,
I find myself struggling with resentment and hurt due to my mother’s decision regarding my younger brother’s inheritance. He is currently in prison, and when he is released, he will be in his late 50s with no assets and limited job prospects as a result of being a felon and a sex offender. My mother has chosen to leave her mortgage-free home to him, along with its contents, while dividing the rest of her assets equally between us. This decision has been made without any conditions in place to address concerns about his potential recidivism, marriage, or financial irresponsibility.
My mother has already spent a significant amount of money on my brother’s legal fees and continues to support him financially during his time in prison. She is also making expensive improvements to her house, which will ultimately become his. As a result, the value of his inheritance will continue to grow while her liquid assets decrease. Meanwhile, I am the one providing her with the everyday help and support she needs.
I can’t help but feel hurt and resentful about this situation. It feels like she is generously rewarding him for his poor choices and behavior, while I have never expected or felt entitled to an inheritance. If my mother were to spend all her assets and leave nothing behind, I would be fine with that. I understand the emotional burden my mother is carrying, as she is still grieving my father’s loss and dealing with her emotions regarding my brother.
Is there a way for me to overcome these feelings of bitterness? I am not proud of how I’m feeling, and I don’t want to add to my mother’s pain by discussing this with her.
Sincerely,
Anonymous from Seattle
Dear Anonymous,
I want you to know that your feelings of bitterness and resentment are completely understandable. It is perfectly normal for you to feel this way, and I believe the first step towards overcoming these emotions is to acknowledge and accept them. Judging yourself for having these feelings will only make it harder for you to move forward.
I don’t have all the details about your family dynamics and the history of your brother’s behavioral issues, but I can imagine that you have been carrying the weight of these feelings for a long time. Growing up with a troubled sibling can be incredibly challenging, and often the needs and struggles of the other children in the family go unnoticed or unaddressed due to the focus on the troubled sibling.
It is important for you to recognize the losses you have experienced throughout your life: the loss of the brother you wish you had, the peace that was disrupted by your brother’s behavior, and the stable family environment that you deserved. These losses can intensify feelings of injustice and further contribute to your resentment.
Sibling relationships can be complex even under the best circumstances. They can encompass a range of dynamics, from protectors and playmates to rivals and tormentors. In your case, it seems like you have taken on the role of the “good” child, often overlooked while your brother receives attention and support for his actions. This pattern may have been reinforced over the years, and your mother’s inheritance plans have only brought it to light.
However, I believe that underneath your feelings of injustice, there is a deep sense of grief that needs to be acknowledged and processed. You have experienced multiple losses throughout your life, and it is important to give yourself permission to grieve these losses. This might include the relationship with the brother you never had, the sense of peace that was disrupted, and the stable family life that was compromised.
In order to address your feelings of bitterness and resentment towards your mother, I encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with her. Approach the conversation with empathy, trying to understand her perspective and emotions before expressing your own. Recognize that her decision to leave the house to your brother is not about rewarding him but about demonstrating unconditional love as a parent, just as she has for you.
Start by acknowledging her strength and resilience as a mother, expressing your admiration for her unwavering love. Then, gently share your own feelings and experiences, emphasizing that you wish to be closer and more connected as a family. Let her know that while you understand the challenges she has faced, you also have your own needs and concerns that deserve attention.
Remember, this conversation is not about blaming or accusing her, but about fostering understanding and connection. It may be helpful to seek professional guidance to support you through this process.
Ultimately, the key to overcoming your bitterness lies in acknowledging and accepting your feelings, understanding your own losses, and communicating openly with your mother. By embracing your emotions and taking action towards healing, you can find a path towards forgiveness and peace.
Take care,
Therapist
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