My mother recently ended her 11-year relationship with her boyfriend, who I consider to be my father figure. Two months later, she rekindled her relationship with her childhood sweetheart whom I had never met until she introduced him to our home. Initially, I was happy for her, as who doesn’t love a high-school romance? However, as time went on, I started feeling uneasy.
My mother has always been a strong-willed woman who believes in equal partnerships, never adhering to the idea that a woman should solely cook and clean for her spouse without receiving respect in return. Yet, within the first few days of her new boyfriend staying with us, she began cooking extravagant breakfasts in bed while he peacefully slept and running to the store for all his requests. It made me uncomfortable to witness her bending over backwards for a man she hadn’t been in contact with for the past 30 years.
If it were just a new boyfriend situation, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem. However, my mother has told me that they are already considering marriage in the near future. This leads me to believe she may be more vulnerable and moving on too quickly from her previous relationship. I understand that my feelings may seem biased because I loved her previous boyfriend, and I genuinely want my mother to be happy. However, this situation leaves me genuinely worried.
Her new boyfriend has even bought her a new car and offered financial assistance to help her start her own business in her home country. It’s clear that she is smitten. How should I approach this situation? Should I express my concerns to my mother, or should I simply put on a brave face and support her choices as she has always done for me?
You demonstrate incredible maturity and insight, especially considering your age. I believe it is important for you to react exactly as you are right now – with genuine concern and questions. This doesn’t make you wrong; it shows that you are thoughtful and caring.
It would be helpful for you to have a conversation with your mother about how you feel. Before doing so, let’s consider the situation in more detail. I consulted psychotherapist John Cavanagh from UKCP, and he proposed that you may be grieving the “loss” of your father figure, both the recent one and your original father. How was this handled within your family? Was it discussed openly, or did it feel rushed and like an ambush? Do you still have contact with your previous boyfriend of 11 years? Eleven years is a significant amount of time, especially during your formative years, to simply let go of someone. I can imagine that he misses you as well.
In newly formed relationships, there is often a period of exclusivity and being “loved up,” which can make others feel left out. Perhaps you were too young to notice this with your mother’s previous boyfriend 11 years ago. However, your use of words like “uncomfortable,” “weird,” and “worried” indicate the powerful emotions that this new man has stirred within you. It might be helpful to discuss the situation with your mother’s friends and other family members. Are they aware of what’s going on? Do you feel comfortable confiding in them? Is your mother isolating herself from her friends?
I noticed that you didn’t mention your relationship with this new man. Does he include you and treat you well? Is there potential for a good relationship between you two? It is entirely normal to feel left out and even weird when a parent begins a new relationship. However, if there are any warning signs, as mentioned earlier, it is essential for you to talk to other family members and express your concerns.
Ultimately, it would be wise to have an open and honest conversation with your mother. Try to spend some quality time with her doing something you both enjoy, and then express your feelings by saying something like, “Mom, I’ve been feeling this way, and I need some reassurance.” Sometimes, parents need clear communication about what we need from them. Remember to use “I” statements, such as “I feel as if” or “I worry about,” rather than blaming or accusing language. People are often more receptive when they believe you want to collaborate and find a resolution rather than putting them on the defensive. I sincerely hope you receive the reassurance you need.
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