- A resurfaced clip from 2020 features researcher and author Brené Brown criticizing the “50/50” marriage rule.
- Instead, Brown and her husband assess their energy levels on a scale of 0 to 100.
- If one person has more energy, they offer support, and if both are burned out, they discuss it openly.
The notion that “relationships should be 50/50” is an outdated piece of marital advice. At first glance, it may seem reasonable for partners to strive for equal effort. This motto could particularly benefit women, who often shoulder more emotional and physical responsibilities compared to their husbands.
However, Brené Brown dismisses this idea as “the biggest crock of bullsh*t,” as revealed in a recently resurfaced 2020 podcast interview from “The Tim Ferriss Show.”
In a TikTok clip that has amassed over 31 million views, the renowned psychology researcher and bestselling author explains her rejection of this common marriage rule.
Brown states, “It’s never 50/50. Ever.” Instead, she and her husband gauge each other’s energy, investment, kindness, and patience levels. If one person is at 20% capacity while the other is at 80%, the partner with more energy takes on additional relationship duties, such as household chores or providing emotional support.
According to Brown, this approach leads to healthier communication and greater empathy within the relationship.
Expecting a constant even split fosters resentment
Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in couples therapy, agrees with Brown’s viewpoint. Morley states that the 50/50 rule often traps couples in a cycle of keeping score, which proves counterproductive and unrealistic.
For instance, during the podcast, Brown recounts a period when her mother was ill, and she understandably needed more support from her partner. According to Morley, in such circumstances, it is crucial to recognize that “standards may temporarily fall,” such as tasks taking longer to complete.
Being honest about limitations fosters trust and empathy
Of course, there are times when neither partner is doing well, and both lack the capacity to give. In those situations, Brown explains that they “sit down at the table anytime we have less than 100 combined and figure out a plan of kindness toward each other.”
According to Morley, this approach requires a strong foundation of trust and security. It allows partners to openly express their emotions without assigning blame or worrying about perpetually carrying an uneven load in the relationship. Morley emphasizes the importance of empathizing with each other and recognizing that both partners are doing their best.
You don’t have to use number scores
While using numerical scores is a convenient method, Morley suggests that couples can communicate the same message in various ways. The key is establishing a shared language that both partners understand. Instead of relying on specific numbers, couples can use phrases like “burned out” or any other expression that effectively conveys the need for help.
If the balance still feels uneven, Morley recommends using “I” statements and focusing on one’s personal needs rather than making assumptions or accusations about the partner.
For Brown, this system has maintained the strength of her marriage for 30 years. She affirms that a partnership succeeds when one partner can carry the other’s load when necessary, ensuring that neither person is hurt when both are equally exhausted.
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