It
s the final week of the school term, a time when students should be engrossed in an educational documentary about pyramids on an endless loop in every class, and teachers should be commending themselves for surviving yet another year. However, times have changed since our own school days. Now, this week is marked by extravagant requests. It all begins when children are just five years old: as you’re about to leave home, they declare that it’s Victorian day and demand a bonnet and 25 packets of crisps. Wait, why the crisps? And why exactly 25 packets? Well, it’s a Victorian disco, obviously, and every student in the class requires crisps. You delve deep into your imagination and manage to transform a pair of blue pants into a bonnet by fastening the leg holes with safety pins. You put it on their head, and it’s absolutely perfect. You’re a genius. But wait, it needs to be green; the other class is wearing blue.
With the bittersweet passage of time, your adorable little ones grow into towering six-footers who seem solely devoted to exposing your personal shortcomings. You hope that, at least, there will be one silver lining: no more bonnets. And they can buy their own crisps now.
Surprisingly, this assumption is completely incorrect; if anything, the demands become even more outrageous. It’s “wellbeing week,” so one child has a sports day while the other goes ice-skating. They need mini-bags of Maltesers; they need impeccable hand-eye coordination as if they needed it yesterday. They are confused about whether to wear their uniform or PE kit, so they opt for both, although they absolutely do not want to feel overheated. They require a convincing note from a medical professional explaining why they cannot ice-skate, yet they also need snacks suitable for ice-skating. (“How about iced gems?” “If you can’t think of anything better.”)
Then, it’s board game day. One child insists on playing a game with rules that nobody else is familiar with (mah-jongg? “Stop making up words”), while the other participates in a sewing bee – what could possibly go wrong? Everyone comes prepared with a needle and thread, except it turns out to be giant sewing, so they need a fishing rod and a rope made of gold.
I believe the school may be performing an act of kindness by making us truly appreciate the holidays.
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