Growing up in the UK, I never questioned the frequency of the word “sorry” in my everyday interactions. I used to open doors for people and apologize for getting in their way. Now, apologizing for simply existing sounds ridiculous, but old habits die hard – especially when no one calls you out on them.
That all changed when I moved to Germany, where I lived for four years. I studied German at university, but nothing could truly prepare me for the social norms of another country until I fully immersed myself in its culture. In Ingolstadt, a small town in Bavaria where people often do their groceries in lederhosen, I learned the importance of saving my breath for things I truly meant. But saying what you mean involves unlearning what you think you are supposed to say. In my new home, my British indirectness and random displays of casual penitence were met with confusion and occasional annoyance.
One day, I entered the kitchen of the shared flat I was living in as my German flatmate was leaving the room. I was in her way, so I quickly blurted out Entschuldigung (sorry in German) and walked over to the kitchen sink. To my surprise, my perplexed flatmate turned to me and asked, “Why do you keep saying sorry?” I was taken aback. No one had ever asked me that before. I had to pause and come up with an answer. Honestly, “sorry” had lost its meaning for me. It had become as natural as breathing, something I did unconsciously. “I don’t know. I don’t say it that often, do I?” I replied, somewhat defensively. She proceeded to kindly lecture me about the negative effects of constantly saying sorry. Apparently, it could impact my self-esteem. I would start to believe that everything was my fault, making me feel like a nuisance, which I wasn’t.
From that moment on, I caught myself and stopped every time I was about to say the S-word. Initially, I did this to avoid annoying my German friends. But as time went on, replacing impulsive outbursts of remorse with a moment of silence became liberating. I began to analyze my speech and ask myself: What do I genuinely feel in this moment? Is what I’m about to say really necessary? Am I saying it because I feel obligated or because I actually want to?
It’s not surprising that Germans prefer direct communication – their language has some of the most literal words in the world. For example, while Brits might refer to “the runs” or “the squits,” Germans will simply say they have “through fall” (Durchfall). Directness isn’t uncomfortable if it’s ingrained in your language. If you call your vacuum cleaner a dust sucker (Staubsauger), a squid an ink fish (Tintenfisch), and your gums tooth meat (Zahnfleisch), then why beat around the bush in your everyday life?
In Germany, politeness is equated with transparency, direct communication, and reliability – not vague niceties or superficial remorse. People want to know where they stand. Saying “I don’t mind” isn’t helpful. It’s a hindrance. Non-committal responses like “Maybe I’ll join you later” are interpreted as confirmation of attendance. Much to my surprise, one friend even took a couple of days off work to go on a trip with me after I said, “That sounds like a nice idea. I might be free then.”
When I told my English students, “It’d be great if you could do this for homework by tomorrow,” not a single person in the class completed the assignment the next day. “But you used the word ‘could’, Miss. The homework was optional,” one clever student remarked. As I scanned the room, hoping to find a guilty face, I realized the rest of the class was nodding in agreement, as if the student had just stated the obvious. Of course, nobody did the homework – I had used a conditional sentence. Great. Note to self: If I want someone to actually do something, use the imperative. “Do this for homework by tomorrow” always produces better results.
My time in Germany taught me to say exactly what I meant, nothing more, nothing less. And I weaned myself off the S-word – reserving it exclusively for situations where I genuinely felt I was in the wrong. I feel more authentic now, and I have the Germans to thank for that.
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Melita Cameron-Wood is a journalist, audio producer, voiceover artist, EFL teacher, and German-English translator
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