Being a Working Mother and the Misogyny of Bad Mother Labels
Being a working mother of young children is challenging enough on its own, and it becomes even tougher when dealing with a divorce and a smear campaign in the press. This is the situation that actor Sophie Turner has found herself in since splitting from her husband, Joe Jonas. Various reports on celebrity gossip websites have cast aspersions on her parenting, painting her as an irresponsible and absent mother.
The underlying misogyny in these reports is clear: Turner is being vilified for making childcare arrangements with her partner in order to pursue her career and attend social events. On the other hand, Jonas is being portrayed as a loving and present father who is choosing divorce for the sake of their children.
Despite not usually being interested in celebrity gossip, the backlash to these reports has been noteworthy. Women, in particular, have refused to buy into the narrative. The cultural shift away from the ideal of perfect motherhood has been happening for some time now, with books, films, and social media accounts showcasing the realities and challenges of motherhood.
One response piece in Rolling Stone encapsulated the sentiment by stating, “Sophie Turner isn’t a bad mom. You’re just a misogynist.” While the comparison to characters like Medea may seem extreme, it highlights the absurdity of labeling Turner as a bad mother for enjoying a night out during her divorce.
The Double Standards of Judging Mothers
In today’s world, what does it mean to be a “bad mother”? Unfortunately, it goes beyond cases of actual harm or abuse. Modern capitalism and societal norms have created a climate where mothers are judged for every choice they make. Too much work or too little work, using formula instead of breastfeeding, having a drink while breastfeeding – these choices are scrutinized and deemed “wrong” by some.
Meanwhile, fathers and their choices escape this level of scrutiny. This double standard is rooted in society’s fear of any expression of maternal ambivalence or a desire for freedom. It raises uncomfortable questions about whether our own mothers have at times regretted or resented us. We must distinguish between mothers expressing common frustrations and those who commit harm.
The Pressure and Guilt of Motherhood
Mothers who openly discuss their struggles are often shut down rather than engaged with. Even the mildest observations about parenting can invite vitriol and criticism. This discourages mothers from speaking out about their difficulties, perpetuating the myth that a good mother is always smiling and content.
Sophie Turner’s mothering abilities are not known to us, but like many mothers, she likely gives herself a hard time already. The cult of perfect motherhood may be slowly crumbling, but overcoming years of social conditioning and dismantling our own guilt is no easy task.
What’s Working?
The wonder of washing up liquid as a stain remover! I may digress into household tips, but this revelation is truly miraculous. Most housework is tedious, but there is immense satisfaction in removing stains. If I were to create an advertising campaign for Fairy Liquid, this would be the angle I’d take. The only challenge it hasn’t conquered for me is dried-on vomit stains on the baby’s mattress (tips welcome!).
What’s Not?
Postpartum friendships seem to suffer. An article in New York magazine delves into the impact a baby can have on friendship dynamics. While I personally haven’t experienced this, it’s clear that more women are choosing to be child-free and valuing their own child-free time. It’s understandable, but we must remember to be kind to one another, especially to new parents who are navigating a major life change. Having a baby can turn your life upside down, and during such times, friends’ support becomes invaluable, even if they’re tired of hearing about it.
Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett is a Guardian columnist. To respond to the issues raised in this article, you can submit a 300-word response via email to be considered for publication in our letters section.
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