The Hamptons hills resound with the melodies of fundraising events.
An assortment of political figures, including Mitt Romney, Donald Trump, Eric Adams, RFK Jr., Kathy Hochul, John Fetterman, and even Thomas Jefferson, have all made their way to the Hamptons for these events. Rep. George Santos was also present, while Governor Ron DeSantis was unable to attend due to a wardrobe mishap. It seems that every politician of importance is drawn to the Hamptons.
Joe Biden, in a peculiar turn of events, accidentally found himself in New Hampton, Iowa. This small town is known for its corn and pork production, and it wouldn’t be surprising if Hunter Biden also happened to be involved, considering his financial acumen.
However, there is one political figure who was not welcomed with open arms in the Hamptons—Kamala Harris. Her lack of clear career path left the residents uncertain about her intentions. In fact, some Hamptonites even organized a garage sale to “Stamp Out Adam Schiff.”
The Hamptons are known for their wide range of fundraising events. From supporting ticks education to assisting prostitutes in finding customers, the Hamptons residents are ready to lend a hand. They even organized a cook-out for Somalia residents who lack access to television. Furthermore, an auction at the Bow Wow Meow Ball featured Madonna’s controversial “Sex” book from 1992, providing guests with the opportunity to acquire unique items. Those with good manners were seated at the front tables.
An Excessive Cost
Having lived in Bridgehampton for years, I can attest to the overwhelming expenses incurred. It often feels like you need to make a down payment just to enter the Long Island Expressway. The traffic is bumper to bumper, almost rivaling the congestion at our Southern border. Ronald Reagan is practically still trying to maneuver through it. For Manhattanites, walking might be the only viable option to reach Amagansett.
Originally, this land was nothing more than a potato field in the 1600s. However, it caught the attention of affluent individuals who may have struggled with spelling but displayed immense wealth. Thus began the era of opulent housing and the constant competition of “mine is bigger than yours.” The dreaded phrase “houseguest” emerged as many visitors extended their stay indefinitely. Each houseguest had their own unique demands, from rubber pillows to Postum instead of coffee. Forget about a basketball court—only tennis was deemed acceptable. And don’t even think about coming alone—bringing girlfriends and their sisters was the norm.
A Shift in Priorities
Gradually, the dynamics of the Hamptons began to change. Mansions in Southampton transitioned into shared rental properties, cramming six people into a single kitchen with no one willing to clean up. Rolls-Royces gave way to bicycles, and high-end boutiques started selling T-shirts alongside their $600 blouses. Fine dining was replaced by burgers and beer, with Dairy Queen as the main attraction for parties.
Oceanfront property is no longer the epitome of luxury.
Bridget LeRoy, with her Mervyn-produced “Wizard of Oz” lineage and father’s connection to Tavern on the Green, has added their famous recipes to Montauk’s seafood offerings. And where is Montauk? Just ten minutes beyond Poland.
The Hamptons Extravaganza
The entire area seems like a possible rehearsal location for X-rated films. Women are a constant presence, while men only make weekend appearances. Places like Westhampton, Quogue, and Amagansett are known for more than just their scenic views.
If you find yourself on specific spots along Lexington Avenue without a Lamborghini or Porsche, you might come across disheveled individuals clutching stuffed bags, waiting for the bus that will take them to Bridgehampton’s ice cream store. One visitor staying in Water Mill even rented a poodle for August because it looked good on the lawn. However, come September and a city apartment that doesn’t allow dogs, the situation becomes more challenging.
Meanwhile, I wouldn’t want to miss out on potential opportunities. So, Seinfeld, Spielberg, Gwyneth, Beyoncé, Alec Baldwin, Anderson Cooper, Brooke Shields, Kelly Ripa, Neil Patrick Harris—if anyone has a spare room, even a blow-up mattress, I’m available for Labor Day weekend.
