- My parents are Dutch but I was raised speaking English.
- When I moved to the Netherlands for college, I had to go to therapy in a foreign language.
- Non-English therapy allowed me to be my true self and let go of the script in my head.
I first went to therapy at 17 years old. I cryptically asked my parents if I could see a therapist without explaining why. I needed assurance from the therapist that something was genuinely wrong with me, that I wasn’t just exaggerating everything. Even though I was self-harming daily, experiencing regular suicidal thoughts and plans, and my life was controlled by bulimia, I struggled to acknowledge the severity of it myself.
Unfortunately, my first attempt at therapy was not successful.
When I tried therapy again at 19 years old, I was still struggling with the same issues. Moving to the Netherlands for university limited my options, as there were few English-speaking therapists available. I ended up seeing a counselor who wasn’t prepared to handle my level of mental illness. They suggested making a playlist of happy songs to listen to when the urge to harm myself arose. I felt discouraged and doubted if I could ever get better.
Things took a turn for the worse
When I turned 21, my life took a significant downturn. My father passed away after a short illness, and I felt overwhelmed by the weight of it all. I tried to get back on the therapy waitlist, expressing my fear of how dark things were becoming. The Netherlands offered a shorter waiting time for Dutch-speaking therapists, so I agreed to see one.
Although my parents are Dutch and I had been exposed to the language from birth, growing up, I predominantly used English. I studied, read books, and spoke to friends and family in English. However, I could hold conversations in Dutch, and I was desperate for help. So, I decided to give therapy in Dutch a try.
The first therapy session is usually a monologue, where you share your life story, focusing on the most challenging parts. After two previous attempts at therapy, I had my monologue practically memorized, but now I had to deliver it in a different language. This forced me to describe things differently and step away from my familiar script.
Surprisingly, therapy was easier in Dutch
Over time, doing therapy in Dutch became easier and easier. I would occasionally insert English words when I couldn’t find the right vocabulary. Sometimes, my therapist had to look up a word, but we made it work between us. I had to dig into my vocabulary to explain my thoughts and behaviors using new words. I couldn’t rely on poetic metaphors or lengthy explanations; I had to be direct and concise, facilitating faster progress. I was forced to let my guard down.
I discovered that doing therapy in my non-native language allowed me to let go of my script and truly be myself. I couldn’t lean on the crutches I had used before, which compelled me to become vulnerable. I had to think on my feet instead of planning sessions in advance, ultimately leading to more significant improvements.
I received an accurate diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, which was crucial to my recovery. I wonder if I would have received the proper diagnosis if I had continued to play a role in English.
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