I
don’t typically endorse “parenting hacks,” but one method I find effective is presenting commands as choices. For instance, when I ask my son if he wants vegetables with dinner, he typically responds with a firm “no.” However, if I ask whether he prefers peas or carrots, he will make a selection. Admittedly, it’s unfortunate that he often refuses to eat what he chooses, but that’s why I’m not a professional nanny.
Now, I have an unexpected ally in this battle: Bear Grylls. My son’s newfound favorite show is “You vs Wild,” an interactive series where he guides Bear Grylls through survival scenarios like a masochistic puppet. It should be noted that Bear’s idea of realistic survival situations could be generously described as speculative. As my son sleepily tells me, after binge-watching three episodes, that the best way to escape a sinking bog is to move as little as possible, I smugly chuckle. However, a moment of self-reflection reminds me that I spend the entirety of those episodes trying to memorize these very strategies.
I’m quite certain that the show’s fanbase consists of as many men my age as it does children under 10. I believe kids love Bear because he reinforces their own sense of invincibility, giving them confidence that if given the opportunity, they could parachute into the jungle and construct an entire airplane from trees, rocks, and animal droppings.
On the other hand, I think Bear appeals to men approaching middle age for the exact opposite reason: we are uncomfortably aware of our own mortal uselessness. His promise to help us cheat death, even in absurdly abstracted threats, offers a welcome escape. In essence, believing you can fend off a bear attack when you’re five feels cool, but doing so when you routinely get dizzy from standing up too quickly is downright euphoric.
At every crucial decision point, Bear presents the pros and cons of two options before urging viewers to pick up their remotes and choose. Will he eat berries or moss, make camp or hunt for food, or, being Bear Grylls, consume animal faeces or abstain? “It’s your choice,” he says, adding a gravity known only to those who occasionally drink wolf urine, “You decide!”
It is, without a doubt, an impeccable television format. Furthermore, his signature catchphrase has become my secret weapon for getting my son to do anything. I mimic Bear’s accent and say, “Peaaaas, they’re small but packed with flavor and energy, or caaaarrots – they’re bigger, come in funky colors, and help you see in the dark. It’s your choice, you decide!”
To my astonishment, he not only selects either peas or carrots but also eats them. I employ the same tactic when choosing books before bedtime or getting his socks on before school. I feel triumphant, as if I have conquered a parenting frontier as challenging as a tundra populated with wolves. Now, if only I could stand up without getting dizzy, I’d be unstoppable.
“Did Ye Hear Mammy Died?” by Séamas O’Reilly is now available (Little, Brown, £16.99). Purchase a copy from guardianbookshop for £14.78.
Follow Séamas on Twitter @shockproofbeats.
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