- Therapist Alexandra Solomon’s upcoming book “Love Every Day” provides daily prompts to improve relationships.
- Solomon emphasizes the importance of making intentional efforts each day, rather than relying on one conversation to bring about change.
- She shares two prompts that have helped her navigate arguments in her own life.
With her experience as a therapist, Alexandra Solomon has cultivated a popular Instagram page offering bite-sized tips to enhance relationships. Her posts receive daily messages from readers seeking advice or past posts they can’t find. To provide a more permanent resource, Solomon has written the upcoming book “Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow and Thrive.” Each day in the book, a journal prompt or practice encourages improvement in one of nine central themes, including “transforming conflict,” “healing from the past,” and “navigating love’s stages.”
According to Solomon, the daily format of her book is valuable for those who mistakenly anticipate overnight changes or rely on a single conversation. She describes the book’s content as daily “microdoses” for relationship growth.
“Rather than change being something big and dramatic, the reality is that change is lots of little things that stack up. This book offers daily opportunities to slow down, check in with yourself, or engage in different conversations with your partner,” explained Solomon, who also hosts the podcast “Reimagining Love,” during an interview with Insider.
Out of all the practices in her book, Solomon highlights two that have significantly impacted her own life. These practices have helped her engage in more productive arguments with her loved ones, including her husband and children.
Asking herself ‘How am I coming across right now?’ during arguments
For Solomon, a valuable exercise is considering the perspective of the other person during an argument.
She emphasizes how asking the question, “How am I coming across right now?” during tense moments has helped her avoid prolonged arguments and reach a resolution more efficiently.
According to Solomon, this question is particularly beneficial for individuals who felt unheard or unseen as children and may unknowingly maintain those behaviors as adults.
“Those of us who grew up feeling invisible or powerless in our families often underestimate the power and influence we have over the interactions we engage in,” Solomon shared.
There is a tendency to over-explain, speak defensively, or express frustration in fear of not being heard. However, by asking this question or similar ones, individuals can break free from childhood-rooted fears and remain present during arguments.
Examples of similar questions include:
- What energy am I bringing to this conversation?
- What is my current tone of voice?
- What non-verbal cues am I giving?
- What is my stance in this situation?
Repeating what someone said back to them
Solomon acknowledges her previous tendencies to feel shame or guilt when someone points out how her words or actions have negatively impacted them.
In the past, Solomon would withdraw or over-explain herself in these situations, centering her own pain rather than focusing on the person who felt hurt.
“I would prioritize my own feelings rather than addressing the pain experienced by the other person,” said Solomon.
Realizing that this approach did not bring any relief to either party, Solomon began repeating the other person’s concerns back to them, using her own words.
By doing this, Solomon forces herself to actively listen to what the other person is saying, preventing her from entering defensive or remorseful states.
Once the other person finishes speaking, Solomon summarizes their concerns by saying something like, “What I’m hearing you say is…” and then reflects their words back to them.
This approach allows the other person to feel heard, ultimately leading to a more productive resolution, according to Solomon.
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