- A therapist suggests that you don’t need to publicly expose your partner’s cheating to find closure and regain self-worth.
- Take the time to process your emotions of betrayal and anger before making any decisions about your relationship.
- If you have any questions, feel free to ask Julia through this anonymous form. Your questions will be published anonymously in the “Doing It Right” section.
Dear Julia,
My partner has cheated on me three times. The third time, he was involved with a married woman. We live in India, and if his firm finds out he cheated with someone who is married, he could be blacklisted.
I don’t want to jeopardize his career, but it’s eating me from the inside. My self-worth and self-respect have shattered.
I haven’t been able to process any of it. I haven’t even cried properly. I don’t know how to accept the cheating and move on.
What should I do next? Is there a way for me to process this without being the one who gets my partner in trouble at work?
-India
Dear India,
The feeling of betrayal is indescribable. I deeply empathize with the challenging situation you find yourself in.
Therapist Tammy Nelson explains that it’s common to question your own intuition and suffer a blow to your self-esteem after being cheated on. Trusting again may seem daunting, but it’s possible, as Nelson, the author of “The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity,” suggests.
Rebuilding trust in yourself is a gradual process, and Nelson advises allowing yourself to experience the full range of emotions without rushing the healing process. The timing of recovery varies depending on the duration of your relationship, the nature of the affair, and the overall state of your relationship, according to Nelson.
It’s essential to confide in a trusted friend, join a support group, or consult with a therapist to verbalize your feelings. While it may be tempting to seek advice from numerous friends and family members, Nelson warns against it. It can lead to conflicting opinions and unwarranted pressure, especially considering the sensitivity of your partner’s job.
Nelson suggests finding a therapist who will respect your confidentiality and help you navigate the next steps, whether that involves working things out with your partner or ending the relationship.
Forgiveness and acceptance are not the immediate goals here. Understanding why your partner cheated, without falling into the victim-perpetrator dynamic, can provide clarity. If both you and your partner are willing to take responsibility for the relationship’s shortcomings and establish new ways of connecting that make you feel secure and cared for, therapy can aid in the healing process, says Nelson.
While working through this ordeal, take the time to rediscover yourself. Cultivating independence, whether by indulging in personal hobbies or making new friends, will help you regain trust in yourself and advocate for your own well-being.
Healing from betrayal cannot be achieved overnight. However, by consistently prioritizing your self-care, even during challenging times, you will gradually rediscover your worth and recognize that you are more than the experience you’ve endured.
Julia Naftulin, Insider’s resident expert in sex and relationships, is here to address your dating and love-related questions. No question is too unconventional or taboo. Julia consults with a team of health experts, including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists, to provide evidence-based answers with a personal touch.
Have a question?Submit it anonymously. All questions will be published anonymously.
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