It is common to become more aware of your partner’s flaws as you exit the honeymoon stage of your relationship. However, this does not necessarily mean that you should end the relationship. To break free from the cycle of fixating on flaws and considering a breakup, it is important to understand your past relationship wounds and your fears of being alone. If you have a question for Julia, please fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can find more articles like this in our “Doing It Right” section. Thank you for signing up! Access your personalized feed of favorite topics on the go by downloading our app.
Dear Julia,
I find that I am never truly attracted to the people I go on dates with. However, I continue to see them because they possess good qualities and there doesn’t seem to be any obvious reason to end things. But once we reach the two- to three-year mark, I start obsessing over my partner’s flaws until I can no longer continue the relationship. This worries me because I am afraid of ending up alone in the future. Why do I behave this way? Do I need therapy to change this pattern and avoid loneliness? – Australia
Dear Australia,
I commend you for recognizing your relationship patterns and having the bravery to consider changing them in order to live the life you desire. Your relationship patterns are not set in stone, and gaining a deeper understanding of yourself can help you overcome the challenges you mentioned. Gayane Aramayan, a therapist based in Los Angeles who specializes in working with singles and couples, suggests that by exploring your past relationship wounds and examining your motivations for being in a relationship, you can cultivate healthier and more sustainable connections.
Aramayan explains that many of us experience a “honeymoon” phase in the early stages of a relationship, during which we focus on all the amazing aspects of our partner due to the rush of feel-good chemicals that new love brings. However, as time passes and hormonal levels equalize, we may begin to notice certain aspects of our partner, such as their flaws, which were not as apparent before.
While the honeymoon phase typically lasts up to a year, a study from 2015 suggests that it can extend to two and a half years. Regardless of when this phase ends, it does not necessarily mean that you should end the relationship, according to Aramayan.
Instead, Aramayan suggests delving deeper into your reactions to your partner’s specific flaws. She notes that our negative responses to our partner’s words or actions often stem from unresolved events in our past that are triggered when our partner’s behavior unconsciously reminds us of that pain or trauma. For example, if you frequently felt ignored by your parents when they interrupted you while speaking, you may have a strong emotional reaction if your partner cuts you off during a conversation.
Understanding how your past experiences continue to influence you in the present can help you identify when your partner’s “flaw” is actually a trigger for a past wound, rather than an indication of incompatibility. Aramayan suggests that as you explore your self-awareness within relationships, go beyond merely identifying your partner’s flaws. Instead, challenge yourself to pay attention to the emotions these flaws evoke in you. By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can work together to find a resolution. Sometimes, all it takes is feeling heard.
Aramayan highlights that many people have not been taught how to navigate negative emotions that arise due to their partner’s actions, causing them to suppress their true feelings until they reach a breaking point and feel the need to end the relationship. However, confronting conflict head-on with your partner can foster more trust and connection in the long run, making the temporary discomfort worthwhile.
If, however, the flaws you mentioned include behaviors like name-calling, yelling, or physical violence, it is indicative of an abusive relationship, which is never acceptable. In such cases, it is important to safely leave the relationship or seek help from resources such as the Domestic Violence Hotline.
Additionally, you mentioned that you never feel attracted to the people you date, but you continue seeing them due to their positive qualities. While instant fireworks of attraction, as depicted in mainstream entertainment, are not necessary, it is important to evaluate whether your dating choices stem from fear rather than a place of security and excitement. By seeking therapy or engaging in activities such as journaling or discussing with a friend, you can explore your values and motivations for dating. If you desire a lasting relationship that aligns with your important values, such as stability, humor, family, pleasure, or learning, it is crucial to identify these values and date with the intention of finding compatibility within them.
Aramayan recommends searching for online lists of values and gradually narrowing them down to your top three to five. By focusing on these values, you will find it easier to make decisions and navigate your relationships. When faced with choices or seeking clarity, ask yourself if they align with your values. If they don’t, consider how you can improve the situation.
As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and intimacy. No question is too taboo or strange. Julia consults with a panel of health experts, including therapists, gynecologists, and urologists, to provide scientifically-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personalized touch.
If you have a question, please fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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