Dear Mom,
As I sit awake at 2 a.m. in our ground-floor apartment, thousands of miles away from you, I can’t help but reflect on the challenges of motherhood and the love and admiration I have for you. It’s one of those cursed nights when I can’t sleep and my thoughts are overwhelming me. It’s hard to keep our apartment warm with its high ceilings, and I’m worried about my sister, wishing you were here.
Today is Mother’s Day in the U.S, a day that Americans celebrate on a different date than we did back home. It’s been 626 days since I last saw you, hugged you, or smelled and kissed you. Sometimes I wonder how much you have changed and if your hair is starting to gray or if there are a few more lines by your eyes.
Living here in the U.S. has given me a deeper understanding of motherhood. After you asked me to take care of my sister and I became her legal guardian at 21, I realized the immense responsibility and burden that comes with being a mother figure. At a time when I still needed somebody to rely on, I wasn’t ready for it.
Since then, I’ve learned that to be a mother is to be a companion, a mirror, and a teacher at the same time. I’m caught between sisterhood and motherhood, trying to be both but not fulfilling either role perfectly. There is so much about my sister that I don’t know and it’s hard to understand the reasons behind her silences or random smiles. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing her, not doing a good enough job at mothering her or understanding her as well as you did.
I love her as a sister but I don’t know how to love her as a mother. Sometimes all I do is think about her and forget to think about myself. It’s a constant struggle to balance my own needs with hers. And in this struggle, I’ve realized how much I still need a mother – how much I still need you.
I’m writing this letter to you, knowing that you may never read it. But I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you for being the mother that you are. Your strength and love have carried me through some of the toughest times, and I hope to one day be half the mother that you are.
With love and gratitude,
Your daughter.
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