“Mom,” I whimpered into the phone from my summer camp in 1992, “you sent me a brown towel!”
That call felt like an appeal for help as much as a scolding. The other girls at camp were particularly cruel. That brown towel might as well have been a signal, a message to the in-crowd that I didn’t measure up. I pleaded with my mom to bring me home, but she responded with some sage advice: “You only have a few days left. Try to find some kind friends.” Little did I know that her words would shape my approach to friendship for the rest of my life.
I hailed from Colorado while the majority of kids at camp hailed from California. They were different in every aspect: blond, wealthy, and cultural elites. I was an outsider. Their sandcastles resembled the skyline of San Francisco, and their designer beach towels trumped my plain brown one. It was clear that I didn’t fit in. They refused to play with me, and I spent the initial days feeling rejected and isolated. The only other girl in the same boat was Amanda, who although pretty and from California, faced the same hostility from the group.
My mother’s words prompted a realization: why was I so relentless in seeking the friendship of these mean-spirited girls? The revelation initiated a shift in my approach. I deserted the quest for their friendship and found solace in two nerdy, humorous and kind-hearted girls.
I recently shared this tale with my almost-8-year-old daughter, who had come home from school disheartened. She was told by a classmate that none of the kids in their class were her friends, which triggered her to cry. My instinct was to confront the girl for her cruel words, but rather than doing so, I told my daughter the brown towel story. I imparted the same advice I had received from my mother decades ago: “Look for kind friends, Emiliana. Seek out nerdy, smart, funny, and kind kids who make you feel good. You deserve nice friends.”
As a 39-year-old woman and a mother, I acknowledge the presence of mean-spirited individuals in every stage of life. That’s why it is imperative to instill the value of kindness early on. Amid the hustle of extracurricular activities, my primary focus is on teaching my daughters to cherish and recognize kindness and to walk away when it isn’t reciprocated, making it one of the most important parental lessons. Today more than ever, the emphasis on kindness is crucial, given the societal challenges and global unrest. It’s a lesson that needs to be taught and embraced.
Carli Pierson is a digital editor at USA TODAY, and it’s clear that mean girls don’t breed good friendships, but kindness can be cultivated.
