- Parenting often limits our spontaneity and freedom, and it’s perfectly fine to acknowledge that.
- I can love my children while also expressing my dissatisfaction with parenting.
- I can recognize that kids are a blessing, but also be honest about the challenges of parenting.
When my wife and I got married a decade ago, we were both teachers. We had already lived together for nearly three years prior to our wedding, so there was nothing particularly “new” about our relationship. During our honeymoon in St. Lucia, we realized we had extra money from our wedding gifts and decided to take another vacation. We spontaneously drove to coastal Delaware, rented a room for a week, and continued the celebration.
Fast forward to now, and as a couple with three children under the age of 9, that kind of spontaneity feels like a distant memory. Spontaneity for us now means having pizza at a restaurant instead of at our kitchen table. A thrilling adventure is the impromptu visit to the ice cream stand on a summer night. Our wildness has certainly changed over the years.
The Stress of Parenting
Many parents around the country can relate to the stage of life we’re in with our children. Mom and Dad divide and conquer, shuttling the kids to various events and activities happening simultaneously: swim practice, baseball games, speech therapy, CCD, art shows, school functions, and the list goes on. We rarely have meals together and our days begin at 6 a.m. even on weekends, with the kids usually going to bed around 8 p.m.
By the time we finally see each other at the end of the day, we’re often too tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed to have meaningful conversations over a glass of wine. It becomes a choice between mindless scrolling or falling asleep in front of a streaming service. And then the cycle starts again the next day.
We acknowledge that there’s a certain privilege in this chaos. If our biggest struggle on a Tuesday night is coordinating who goes to the soccer game and who does the swimming drop-off, then we truly are fortunate. We have three healthy children who require the standard amount of love, care, and attention. We’re able to afford their activities, and they come home to a warm house with food in the fridge and a wagging dog tail.
However, this doesn’t make it any easier on the days when sleep feels like a distant concept, when ends barely meet, or when the usual stressors of life – family, finances, work – feel overwhelming. There are days when we feel more like volunteer Uber drivers, chefs, and housecleaners who have never received a simple “thank you.” And the person we’re in this together with – our spouse or partner – is equally exhausted, sleep-deprived, and lacking in acknowledgment.
The Taboo of Discussing the Challenges of Parenting
It has become almost taboo to admit that parenting isn’t always the most enjoyable thing in the world. Expressing any dissatisfaction with parenting is met with disbelief and judgment. It’s difficult to determine if anyone else feels the same way, and if they do, they may be too afraid to voice their thoughts.
On social media, everyone presents a picture-perfect image of #BlessedParenting. It’s almost inconceivable to express dislike for any aspect of parenting. Criticizing it is seen as insensitive or ignorant towards those who can’t have children, those who have lost a child, or those who desperately wish for a child of their own. We’re expected to constantly champion how much of a blessing kids are, even on the toughest days.
And it is true, kids are a blessing. There is nothing that brings greater joy than witnessing our daughter confidently address her classmates, or watching our middle child hit a line drive during a baseball game, or seeing our youngest son start forming sentences. These are amazing, precious moments that we fully embrace and wouldn’t want to fast forward through. But these moments are also interspersed with minor disasters, tantrums, and an overwhelming sense of “Will this ever end?”
And that’s okay to admit. It’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes we yearn for the past, when we could spontaneously jump into the car with our spouse, drive to a beach hours away, and enjoy a carefree vacation with a rum drink in hand.
