Surviving Against All Odds: My Journey to a New Heart
At the tender age of 13, I collapsed during a fierce game of floor hockey in gym class. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a tumultuous battle with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a condition known for thickening the heart muscle.
Just five months after my diagnosis, tragedy struck again. I was in the kitchen with my mother when she suddenly collapsed. In a state of panic, I performed CPR, desperately praying for her to wake up. As I made the frantic phone call to 911, my heart shattered into a million pieces. The woman who meant the world to me was gone.
Returning home from the hospital that night, it was just my father and me. I will never forget the sight of him, leaning against the front door, sobbing uncontrollably. Losing my mother in such a devastating manner, while battling the same disease myself, instilled in me a deep-rooted fear of facing a similar fate.
Photography became my solace, a passion that my father introduced me to as a way of coping with the loss of my mother. He built a darkroom in our basement, where he taught me the art of developing photographs. Those early days spent immersed in the darkroom became a therapeutic outlet for my grief.
Fast-forward to October 14, 2022: a swan catheter had just been placed in my neck to monitor my heart’s function. What stands out in this photo is the “I Voted” sticker proudly adorning my hospital gown. Despite the uncertainty of my hospital stay, I made sure to exercise my civic duty by submitting my mail-in ballot.
Three days later, on October 17, 2022, my doctor delivered news that would change my life forever. A heart had been found that was compatible with mine. In those precious moments before surgery, I bid farewell to my husband and children, fully aware of the magnitude of the operation that lay ahead.
October 18, 2022 arrived with a mix of emotions. As the nurses played “Milkshake” and “Eye of the Tiger,” we joyfully danced our way to the operating room. At the end of the hallway, I paused for a photograph with my husband. Fear, relief, grief, and hope coursed through my veins.
Post-surgery, on October 19, 2022, I awoke to find myself intubated. The image captured by my husband, as he saw me with my new heart for the first time, encapsulates the profound relief he felt when my eyes met his and a smile spread across my face.
October 20, 2022 marked my first post-transplant walk. With a walker and a nurse by my side, I marveled at the newfound quietness of my heart. No longer burdened by the loud, irregular beats, I felt a sense of awe and gratitude.
Describing the experience of receiving a heart transplant is akin to finally putting on a pair of glasses when you never realized you needed them. Suddenly, the world comes into focus, and you understand that this is how you were meant to see all along.
As the days wore on in the hospital, I found solace in photography. Listening to Brandi Carlile and capturing moments through my lens became a source of grounding amidst the overwhelming changes. On October 21, 2022, after eleven days in the hospital, I caught a glimpse of my former self, if only for a fleeting moment.
On October 22, 2022, I mustered the courage to confront my new scar. Shaking hands, I held my camera above my chest, capturing my reflection. Until that moment, the incision had remained shielded by bandages. Seeing myself in the screen, I realized the extent of what I had been through.
Adjusting to the multitude of medications proved to be a challenge. On October 28, 2022, I sat down with a patient pharmacist who patiently explained each prescription’s purpose and stressed the importance of adhering to the strict regimen of 14 new medications.
Twenty-nine years earlier, at the age of 20, I had an implantable cardioverter defibrillator (ICD) implanted due to the sudden death of my mother from an arrhythmia. Now, at 42, the doctors removed the device that had saved me on multiple occasions. Though hesitant, I trusted their judgment that I no longer needed it.
In the early hours of October 30, 2022, sleep eluded me. The high doses of steroids made the night feel interminable. Grasping my camera, I captured my reflection against the backdrop of the city. The countless nights spent gazing at those buildings will forever be etched in my memory.
After a taxing 25-day hospital stay, I finally returned home on November 3, 2022. Reuniting with our gentle giant of a dog, Clementine, brought immeasurable joy. We explored the outdoors together, a feat I thought impossible before my transplant.
Since leaving the hospital, blood draws have become a recurring aspect of my life. Regular monitoring of my tacro levels, kidney function, and white blood cells ensures my continued well-being. Gradually, I have grown accustomed to the meticulous routine of taking medications at precise intervals, aided by multiple alarms on my trusty iPhone.
Emotional turmoil remains a constant companion. Tears flow freely and serve as a reminder of the profound changes I have undergone. During one conversation with a night nurse, he imparted advice that continues to resonate deeply within me. He encouraged me to focus on each step, rather than fixating on the daunting journey ahead. Mountain climbers, he explained, never look at the peak; they concentrate on conquering one step at a time. I cling to this wisdom, pushing aside fear and anxiety, and embracing the small victories along the way.
On Mother’s Day, I am reminded of the personal grief that accompanies the loss of my own mother. However, this year, my thoughts are consumed by the immense sorrow felt by the mother of my donor. It serves as a poignant reminder of the selflessness that led to my second chance at life. Spending the day with my children, hiking and savoring moments together, fills my heart with gratitude and a deep sense of humility.
My journey continues, one day at a time. While I still have my moments of vulnerability, photography remains a steadfast companion, helping me navigate the unpredictable tides of life. Through the lens of my camera, I find strength, resilience, and the ability to capture the beauty that surrounds me.
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