I
‘ve recently returned from a trip with my sister, who is expecting her first child. While we were away with a larger group, I noticed that she would often sneak away to have a drink and would come back smelling strongly of alcohol. She would also make a point of mentioning in front of everyone how she’s become a lightweight since she stopped drinking. I happened to come across an empty liter bottle of spirits in our shared bedroom, which was hidden but not very well.
I’m unsure of how to proceed in this situation. I feel a great deal of compassion for my sister and I have no intention of judging her. However, I want to support her, and now I also feel a sense of responsibility towards her unborn child.
I’m uncertain if anyone else in the family shares the same concerns. My husband has previously expressed concern when he’s discovered hidden bottles of vodka, gin, and wine in our home during her visits, as well as when she shared a room with our teenage children on holiday. We almost confronted her at that time but decided it was not our place to intervene. We agreed to be supportive if she ever wanted to open up, but we would not bring up the issue ourselves.
My primary concern is the well-being of her child, and I also have personal experience with alcohol that has taught me how challenging it can be to break the cycle without help and support.
You did not mention how far along your sister is in her pregnancy, so I am addressing this quickly because if she is consuming alcohol as much as you describe, it is crucial for her to seek support to stop immediately. You briefly mentioned her husband in your letter, and I wonder if he is aware of the situation and if he can offer any assistance or if he shares the same concerns.
This week, I consulted two professionals: psychotherapist Becky Harris, who specializes in addiction, and maternity social worker Nandita Vytelingum, who has expertise in substance misuse and is a member of the British Association of Social Workers (BASW).
According to Harris: “There is no definitive answer regarding how much alcohol is safe during pregnancy. However, current guidelines state that no amount of drinking is considered safe. When there is secrecy surrounding alcohol consumption, it often indicates a significant amount of shame. Addressing this issue is now an urgent matter.”
Realistically, some women do consume alcohol in moderation during pregnancy. However, based on your description, it seems like your sister’s drinking habits are excessive. This poses numerous risks, including miscarriage, premature birth, and the potential development of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) if her alcohol consumption is severe. I have personally encountered the challenges faced by individuals with FASD, and it is heartbreaking to witness.
Everyone acknowledges that this situation is difficult, and only you can determine the best approach to address it with your sister. One suggestion from Harris is to use your own past experience with alcohol as a way to initiate the conversation. If your sister is using alcohol as a coping mechanism, there is a high likelihood that she will continue doing so after the child is born. Therefore, she needs compassionate support urgently.
Harris proposed the following approach: “You could say something like, ‘I don’t want to make you feel guilty, and I’m not judging you. I love you and only want to support you. However, I am genuinely concerned about you and your baby’s well-being. If you don’t seek help, I will have to inform someone.'” It is important to address the issue directly.
Of course, you cannot force your sister to stop drinking. If she refuses to seek support voluntarily, the situation becomes challenging. However, you can consider discussing the matter with her midwife team or reaching out to social services if you have immediate concerns for the baby’s safety. It is worth noting that social workers prioritize working with families rather than taking drastic action.
Vytelingum suggests having an open conversation with your sister and encouraging her to seek professional support from her GP or midwife. They can then decide whether it is necessary to involve a social worker. However, if you believe there is a risk of significant harm or neglect to the baby, it is crucial to make an immediate referral to child protection services.
Help and support are available through local alcohol treatment services, and involving other family members and your sister’s husband can also be beneficial.
I understand that this is a difficult situation, but it is important to view your actions as support for your sister rather than judgment. As Harris suggests, consider how you would feel if you remained silent.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses reader’s personal problems. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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