Spousal Betrayal Takes a Toll as Husband Discovers Ex-Meeting Plans

I informed my husband about the initial contact, but unfortunately, I didn’t tell him as the plans to meet progressed. It was always my intention to inform him, but I never found the right moment. A few days before the scheduled meeting, my husband discovered it on his own while using my computer. As a result, he believes I lied, and although I didn’t intend to deceive him, he is correct.

He was extremely upset and threatened to move out if I didn’t agree to cut off communication. I agreed, and I feel terrible about it. I love my husband, but I also miss my old friend. I won’t go back on my word, but I now feel controlled and believe my husband is being unreasonable. Can you envision a resolution that is agreeable for both of us?

D: When you say “amicable,” I’m afraid you mean an idealistic outcome. You want your husband to calm down, apologize for overreacting, accept your apology and explanation, and give you his blessing to meet your friend. I don’t see that happening. Not with this husband, and not with this particular friend. While his threat to move out may have been an overreaction, it’s understandable why he would fear an affair. Regardless of the nature of the “etc.” you mentioned, the fact that you planned to meet an old flame behind your husband’s back is concerning.

However, it is credible that you had no intention of being unfaithful. Sneaking around doesn’t always signify unfaithfulness; sometimes, people sneak because they expect others to misinterpret their motives, disapprove, and prohibit their actions. They fear both disapproval and the emotional confinement of being controlled. Think of a child sneaking candy to avoid strict parents. Some individuals develop this tendency in restrictive adult relationships.

Sometimes, this behavior carries over into adult relationships from childhood. You claim that you “never found the right moment” because there simply wasn’t one. You anticipated your husband’s negative reaction. The question is, did you correctly predict his response? Do you know he is possessive, jealous, or controlling? Were you experiencing some romantic feelings? Did you underestimate him by assuming he can’t handle the truth when he actually prefers it? Or is it a combination of all these factors?

This candy dynamic increases the appeal of the forbidden activity and intensifies the perceived obstacles to honesty. If your husband is secure and trusting, cutting ties with your old friend would be the proper resolution, albeit a saddening one. However, if this is just one example of you pretending in your life, for whatever reason, I urge you to consider any other instances where you have felt compelled to keep secrets.