Growing up in a big family with five siblings, Carlita Gay cherished the unique dynamics and exposure to various personalities. Although distance separated her from her hometown and family, therapy as an adult helped her realize the significance of her siblings as a refuge due to their shared history and deep understanding. Gay, now 33 and working as an executive assistant in New York, discovered that her siblings could relate to her experiences as a biracial individual growing up in a predominantly white area of Minnesota. She shares, “It might be them who can understand my experience the most.”
While not everyone has as many siblings as Gay, 82% of American children have at least one. Sibling relationships generally go through two distinct phases. Initially, these connections are influenced by the family system and parental guidance. However, as siblings become independent and shape their own lives, the bonds transform into a mix of involuntary and voluntary associations. Unlike the requirement for proximity and obligations within the family system, adulthood grants the freedom to build, repair, or even discard sibling relationships, breaking free from childhood roles.
Contrary to popular belief, birth order does not significantly impact personality, as experts in this article emphasize. Despite the lack of influence from birth order, siblings do have a profound effect on each other’s lives. During the teenage years, brothers and sisters play a crucial role in adolescents’ decision-making, surpassing the influence of peers and even parents. Research shows that individuals who experienced conflict or distance in their sibling relationships before the age of 20 were more likely to experience depression at age 50. However, it’s important to note that existing sibling research mainly focuses on pairs of siblings with a maximum age gap of five years, neglecting larger age differences and larger families.
Experts highlight favoritism as a significant factor that impacts sibling relationships, potentially poisoning the dynamic. Research conducted by Katherine Jewsbury Conger, a family-studies professor at UC Davis, reveals that siblings remember instances where parents favored certain interests or provided more attention and care for specific needs. Such differential treatment based on hobbies or perceived needs is acceptable, but playing favorites can lead to conflict and tension in sibling relationships. These feelings of resentment primarily peak before the teenage years when children become more independent and spend less time supervised by their parents. At this stage, sibling relationships become voluntary, requiring effort to maintain. The nature of these relationships during this phase sets the framework for adult sibling interactions.
For Mimi Gonzalez, a 27-year-old podcast host, a traumatic event during adolescence affected her relationship with her older sister, Imahni. Both coming from a large family with five girls, Mimi and Imahni grew closer after Imahni entered Mimi’s life as a stepsister at the age of six. Although constant fighting was part of their relationship, they were also close and spent most of their time with their best friend, Meghan. Tragically, when they were 15, Meghan died by suicide, causing Mimi and Imahni to grow apart. However, when Imahni became pregnant, it became an opportunity for them to initiate conversations and gradually rebuild their bond. They discussed their losses, memories from their childhood, and their desire to create new memories despite the absence of their loved ones. Their goal is to work on and strengthen their relationship.
Conger refers to this process of siblings coming together later in life to reevaluate and reshape their bond as “dynamic re-centering.” During childhood, children view their parents as the center of the family, but re-centering shifts the focus to the sibling relationship, allowing for changes in the way they relate to each other. Many factors contribute to the likelihood of building or rebuilding a healthy relationship, with warmth as one of the most crucial predictive factors. While conflict between siblings may suggest engagement, high warmth is necessary for a positive relationship. Dismissive and uninvolved relationships are more concerning than high-conflict relationships.
Conger believes that dynamic re-centering is likely to occur in the majority of sibling relationships, albeit to varying degrees. Although some adult siblings may still have rivalries, time and maturity tend to break down old barriers. Significant life events and transitions can both strengthen and strain sibling relationships. While most research on dynamic re-centering focuses on positive possibilities, major events such as marriage, pregnancy, birth, or death can also strain relationships. According to Megan Gilligan, a human-development professor at Iowa State University, favoritism-based resentments can resurface when siblings must come together to provide caregiving.
In the case of Mimi and Imahni, Meghan’s death initially drove them apart. However, Imahni’s pregnancy served as a catalyst for reevaluating their relationship. Conger suggests that a common shared experience often initiates rekindled attention and interest among siblings. For example, someone becoming a first-time parent might seek advice from a sibling who is already a parent.
For Carlita Gay and her brother Ryan, the circumstances surrounding their father’s illness brought them closer together. Although the six siblings got along as children, they were not particularly close. Carlita explained that the sensitivity of all the family members prevented them from opening up emotionally. However, when their father moved in with Ryan, the oldest sibling, five years before his death, Carlita found that their relationship grew deeper. Contacting their parents had always been challenging, but with his illness, the siblings were motivated to communicate and support each other more genuinely.
In conclusion, sibling relationships are complex and evolve over time. Although birth order does not significantly shape personality, siblings profoundly influence each other’s lives. Warmth serves as a crucial factor in building and maintaining positive sibling relationships. While conflicts during adolescence are common, a high level of warmth helps foster healthy dynamics. Certain events and transitions can renew or strain sibling relationships, while favoritism has the potential to disrupt and cause tension. Ultimately, dynamic re-centering allows siblings to come together later in life, reevaluate their bond, and redefine their relationship. Time, maturity, and shared experiences contribute to the strengthening of sibling connections, offering opportunities to create new memories and deepen mutual understanding.
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