A year ago, I made the decision to cut my toxic mother out of my life, which I believe was the right choice. However, this decision has caused distress for my father, who still has a relationship with her. Recently, he has invited the entire family to an expensive resort to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday and is pressuring me to join them. I feel conflicted because I don’t want to go on vacation with someone I no longer speak to, but I also don’t want to disappoint my father, who has always been loving and supportive. What should I do?
My response:
I think you may have misunderstood what your father is asking of you. It’s not just about your presence on the family vacation; he also expects you to engage with everyone, including your mother, in a polite manner. If you find that impossible to do, then it’s best not to go on the trip. Your absence might be less upsetting to the group than constant conflict.
It’s hard for me to fully understand the situation with your mother, as we often use terms like “toxic” and “narcissist” to describe people who are merely selfish or unpleasant. That being said, there are cases where parents can truly be destructive, and in those situations, it’s best to distance yourself and focus your energy elsewhere. However, for many of us, by the time our parents reach 80, we realize that they may not be perfect, but we can still maintain a relationship with them despite our ambivalence. If you can remain composed throughout the vacation, go ahead. But if you can’t, it’s important to explain that to your father.
Now, let’s move on to another issue:
During a dinner outing with close friends and another couple, they ordered an expensive bottle of wine without consulting you about the price. Later on, they ordered a second bottle while your husband didn’t even drink any. You and your husband don’t want to bring up the issue with your friends, but you’re wondering how to handle this in the future.
My response:
Let me begin by saying that I appreciate your letter because there is a clear solution to your problem: asking for separate checks. However, I understand that some people find this request to be cheap or tacky. So, you’re looking for a solution that doesn’t involve expressing your thoughts. Unfortunately, that’s not realistic.
You have a few options to consider: you can continue paying your share for expensive wine you don’t want, ask for separate checks, or talk to your close friends about the issue, which might seem minor but feels unfair to you. It’s up to you to choose the best course of action, but I hope you don’t let an unspoken grievance create tension among your friends.
Lastly, let’s address one more concern:
Your 82-year-old sister, who lives far away from you, refuses to pay for long-distance service or own a cellphone. In order to talk to her or check on her well-being, you have to initiate the calls. However, she dominates the conversation and shows little interest in what you have to say. You feel that she’s not making an effort to stay in touch, but you’re unsure if this is a petty complaint.
My response:
Your concerns are not petty or trivial at all. It’s understandable that you feel distant from your sister in this situation. It’s important to remember not to take this personally and consider other factors. Perhaps your sister is unable to afford long-distance or cell service, or there may be health or cognitive issues that affect her ability to engage in conversations. These circumstances might not reflect her feelings towards you.
I suggest exploring alternative methods of communication, such as old-fashioned correspondence through letters. This might be a better way for your sister to communicate and show interest. Regardless of the outcome, I encourage you to keep trying because she is your only 82-year-old sister, and maintaining a connection with family is valuable.
In conclusion, it’s crucial to approach each of these situations with empathy and understanding. Remember to prioritize your well-being while also considering the feelings of your loved ones. Good luck navigating these challenges!
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