As the couple took their seats in front of me, I couldn’t help but notice the man’s impeccable suit and expensive shoes. However, his constant attention to his electronic device made it clear where his priorities were. Despite being in therapy due to marital issues, he continued to answer business calls, leaving his wife and me in helpless silence.
Today, smartphones have become the unwanted third wheel in our relationships, constantly vying for our attention. Their presence in our lives leads to stories of tension, uncertainty, and the struggle for intimacy, trust, and boundaries. As a psychotherapist and cyberpsychologist, I have written a new book on reclaiming one’s life in a world obsessed with technology.
Reflecting on the countless couples I have counseled over the past 15 years, it is clear that a significant portion of their issues can be traced back to their phones. Recent research supports this notion, showing that consistently ignoring a partner in favor of a phone, known as “phubbing,” can seriously damage a relationship. It diminishes feelings of intimacy, trust, and self-esteem. These findings are not surprising, as we constantly find ourselves competing with our devices for attention and connection.
A team of scientists from Nigde Omer Halisdemir University in Turkey conducted a study involving 712 married individuals. They concluded that “phubbing” is a common phenomenon in today’s technologically advanced societies and that marital conflicts often arise when individuals feel ignored by those they value. This concept of “phubbing” has been recognized by therapists since 2012, coincidentally aligning with a significant increase in worldwide smartphone sales.
What was once considered rude and socially unacceptable has now become a normal occurrence. People use their phones in every setting, paying little attention to the impact it has on their relationships. In fact, research suggests that we are more likely to “phub” our loved ones, even engaging in this behavior in the bedroom. Many smartphone users charge their devices next to them while they sleep, despite the negative effects it may have on physical, psychological, and relational aspects of their lives. The invasion of technology has transformed the bedroom into a workspace and a means of external communication.
While technology may have reshaped our personal lives, eye contact remains a crucial aspect of human connection. From early on, we learn that eye contact is essential for building closeness and establishing bonds with others. A partner’s gaze can make us feel attractive and valued, while its absence signals disinterest. Partner “phubbing” is associated with increased jealousy, diminished conversation quality, and even depression.
Those who feel excluded from their partner’s phone activities may turn to their own devices as a means of distraction, leading to a cycle of disconnection. Alternatively, the “phubbed” individual might become concerned about their partner’s satisfaction and commitment to the relationship, leading to feelings of insecurity and doubt. The partner’s phone becomes a source of curiosity, causing the individual to wonder what or who is more compelling than them.
Our devices have become major distractions in our relationships, interfering with our connection and intimacy. It’s not just a figment of our imagination; smartphones actually facilitate real romantic competition, as I have witnessed in many couples I have worked with. For instance, one husband I counseled was not only addicted to online porn but also frequented dating sites. This behavior severely damaged trust, and the couple sought therapy in an attempt to rebuild their relationship.
To reclaim your life in a tech-obsessed world, there are several steps you can take. First, acknowledge the problem and reflect on how your partner’s technology use affects your perception of their commitment to you. Similarly, consider how your own technology use impacts your awareness and attention towards your partner. You must also question the motives behind expanding your interaction with technology. Are internal factors such as worry or boredom pushing you to seek solace in technology? Or are external influences like media and advertising convincing you to adopt certain technologies?
Setting clear boundaries is an essential aspect of a healthy modern relationship. Some couples may find it necessary to share passwords and track each other’s phones, while others may prefer not to engage in such behavior. Openly discussing where you stand on these matters is crucial.
Mindfulness can also be instrumental in shifting your attention away from technology. By making a conscious choice about your actions, you can gain control over the influences that impact your behavior. This practice can prevent “phubbing” and its negative consequences.
In one particular case, a couple had agreed on a transparent phone-checking policy. The wife had access to her husband’s passwords, and they agreed that she could check his phone at any time. However, this arrangement led to an imbalanced dynamic in the relationship, with the wife taking on the role of a probation officer. Their intimacy and satisfaction suffered as a result. Finding a healthy balance between technology use and intimacy is key.
In another situation, a woman discovered her boyfriend’s phone unlocked and took the opportunity to explore its contents. This breach of privacy caused her emotional distress as she stumbled across details about his ex-girlfriend. Although her partner was committed to their relationship, the woman’s jealousy and insecurity were heightened. This scenario demonstrates the dangers of snooping and the negative impact it can have on a relationship.
Technology has become an interference in our relationships, requiring us to reclaim the love and connection we once had. By addressing the issues caused by excessive technology use, setting boundaries, and focusing on mindfulness, we can restore intimacy and strengthen our relationships. It’s time to prioritize human connection over constant smartphone engagement.
Denial of responsibility! VigourTimes is an automatic aggregator of Global media. In each content, the hyperlink to the primary source is specified. All trademarks belong to their rightful owners, and all materials to their authors. For any complaint, please reach us at – [email protected]. We will take necessary action within 24 hours.
