In 2022, I embarked on a journey to curate a curated list of books that explore queer experiences. This endeavor initially began as a therapeutic exercise to address the shame I felt surrounding my bisexuality. I believed that by normalizing queer narratives through memoirs, I could unravel the negative emotions tied to my own identity. As I neared the end of my reading list, an editor recommended Jeanette Winterson’s renowned novel, “Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit.”
Little did I know that this book would have such a profound impact on me. “Oranges,” originally published in 1985 by Pandora Press in the U.K., is a semi-autobiographical work that delves into the early life of its protagonist, Jeanette. Jeanette, like the author herself, is a young girl who is adopted by an extremely religious family. As she grows older, Jeanette finds herself falling in love with another girl named Melanie, creating a rift between her and both her church and her mother.
When I began reading the novel, I had certain expectations. I anticipated a story that explored same-sex relationships. I also believed that it would be of high quality, considering its classic status and prestigious awards. Additionally, the fact that it inspired a BBC TV show that garnered its own accolades added to my anticipation.
However, what surprised me the most was how culturally relevant “Oranges” felt in 2023. Despite being written almost four decades ago, during the height of the AIDS epidemic, the protagonist’s unwavering conviction resonated with me for weeks after finishing the book.
In one particularly intense scene, Jeanette and Melanie are confronted in front of their congregation. They are accused of engaging in sinful behavior and are demanded to publicly denounce their relationship. While Melanie succumbs to the pressure and recants their love, Jeanette refuses to do so.
Despite the chaos that ensues, Jeanette stands firm in her belief that her love for Melanie is pure and valid. She boldly proclaims to the pastor and the entire church that they are the ones perpetuating the problem, not her. This unyielding certainty displayed by Jeanette was breathtaking, poignant, and left me feeling unsettled.
Initially, I was struck by how effortlessly Jeanette defended her relationship in such a public setting. I had expected her to grapple with inner conflict or panic, torn between her orthodox upbringing and her unorthodox sexuality, as the book jacket describes it. I anticipated her wavering or momentarily reverting to her religious teachings.
However, she did none of that. This revelation forced me to confront an uncomfortable truth about myself. If faced with a similar situation challenging my own sexuality, would I be like Jeanette or Melanie? Would I deny my bisexuality in order to preserve my own sense of self?
The fact that I couldn’t immediately answer “No, never” left me questioning whether I was failing as a queer individual.
Before reading “Oranges,” I had felt a sense of progress in accepting my sexuality. I was slowly shedding decades of internalized heteronormativity. I no longer stumbled through saying, “Oh, I’m bi.” I even began to proudly utilize sexuality labels in my writing bios.
However, despite this forward movement, the lingering shame around my sexuality still haunted me. I feared experiencing a public reckoning similar to Jeanette’s. It didn’t matter that her situation was terrifying and that it was perfectly normal to feel fear. Unintentionally, I convinced myself that being afraid negated the progress I had made. I labeled myself as a bad queer, deserving of feeling ashamed.
Of course, this was far from the truth. In that moment, all I could hear were the words, “shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t.” I shouldn’t be afraid of a public reckoning. I shouldn’t have hesitated to declare that I would be like Jeanette. I shouldn’t have ever been ashamed of my sexuality. All these “shouldn’ts” plunged me back into the shame I had hoped to dismantle in the first place.
Fortunately, there is extensive research on shame, along with strategies to overcome it. Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of empathy in navigating shame. Similarly, Kara Loewentheil, a feminist life coach and former lawyer, advocates for compassion and exposure. Dr. Cathy O’Neil’s book, “The Shame Machine,” published in 2022, suggests examining the power structures that thrive on our personal shame to gain a deeper understanding of our individual struggles.
Initially, I wasn’t ready to explore these concepts. Still captivated by Jeanette’s unwavering conviction and somewhat envious of it, it took me about a week to process my emotions. It was only when I started journaling about my thoughts that I realized I was not a bad queer. Reading “Oranges” hadn’t set me back; instead, it provided me with a fresh perspective on my beliefs and innermost thoughts. After all, isn’t that what the best books do?
Now, I had an opportunity to determine the kind of person I aspired to be. Did I want to emulate Jeanette? Did I want to be someone who defied societal expectations and refused to be intimidated by shame and public disapproval?
For me, the answer was a resounding yes.
To be clear, whether I choose to publicly discuss my sexuality or not doesn’t diminish my queerness. I am deserving of love, acceptance, and validation, regardless of how I express my identity. It’s perfectly okay that I don’t possess the same unwavering certainty as Jeanette. After all, I am not a fictional character.
Moreover, Jeanette’s certainty is a deliberate authorial choice. Expecting myself to mirror that level of steadfastness is both unrealistic and detrimental.
Reading “Oranges” allowed me to examine my life through a new lens. It reaffirmed my commitment to studying and discussing sexuality as a field and my own personal orientation. The novel defied my initial expectations of its relevance given its age, and it encouraged me to think critically about the person I aspire to become.
For that, I am immensely grateful to have experienced the impact of “Oranges.” It remains as relevant today as it was in 1985.
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