Years ago, in Southern California, I had the pleasure of working with a highly responsible project manager named Rocco. Rocco was extremely reliable — always the first one to arrive at the office, impeccably dressed, and meetings always starting and ending on time. While everyone appreciated Rocco’s dedication, there was a part of us that wished he would lighten up a bit.
One day, Rocco didn’t show up for a scheduled meeting. When he finally reappeared, we asked what had happened and if everything was okay. With a wide grin on his face, Rocco explained that he had “flaked.” He was ecstatic about it. He had embraced a social strategy that everyone else understood, even if we never openly discussed it: Sometimes, you just flake.
Unfortunately, flaking — failing to keep a commitment — is often viewed negatively, just as it had been with Rocco. The term has typically been used derogatorily: “I can’t believe Rocco flaked on us. He’s so unreliable.” However, it’s time for us all to adopt flaking in the way Rocco did. Flaking, when understood and used correctly, can be a valuable and healthy social tool. It relieves us of the constant need to provide reasons or excuses, whether they be rational, psychological, clinical, or otherwise. There’s no need to blame the subway, a sudden event, or anxiety. Simply saying, “I flaked,” should be sufficient. And now, thanks to Rocco, we know it’s okay to do so.
Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that flaking should be done with care. Flaking too often can lead to a negative reputation as “a flake” — someone who is unreliable. That’s not a desirable label. These cases are usually clear because they follow a pattern: Gavin is always late or Sarah can’t be relied upon to complete her work.
But when the circumstances are right, flaking can be a wonderful thing. People have always taken pleasure in canceling plans or avoiding responsibilities for reasons such as self-care, procrastination, conflict avoidance, exhaustion, or social awkwardness. Social conventions have become more relaxed, and our online culture has given us more opportunities to seek justification for our actions. However, flaking is typically celebrated as a divine intervention or guilty pleasure. True flaking should never be indulged in this way. To fully embrace flaking means letting go of mysticism, shame, and secrecy.
To achieve this, we must resist the urge to question the rationale behind a flake. Why did Rocco flake? We didn’t ask, because the reason behind a true flake doesn’t matter. It abstracts from specific reasons, allowing for failure without a clear excuse. Flaking acknowledges that the universe is vast, with many factors at play that cannot always be explained. Some factors are within our control, such as alarms, laundry, or efforts to fulfill a promise. But there are other factors beyond our control, and it’s important to accept that. Maybe the subway didn’t come, or anxiety overwhelmed you. Or maybe it was something as simple as a refusal to act without restlessness or rebellion. Whatever the case may be, you didn’t show up, you didn’t fulfill your responsibilities, and you flaked.
Who can blame you? We’re constantly suffocating under the pressure to provide explanations and justifications for our actions. Online life contributes to this, among other factors. It feels like every thought and action requires a deep reason or a comprehensive supporting narrative. But we need to remember that human existence is messy and full of accidents. Flaking, when done selectively, allows us to acknowledge this. Errors and mistakes are inevitable, and sometimes the reasons behind them are unknowable. There’s no need for detailed explanations, tragedies, or white lies to cover up the truth. Sometimes, we simply don’t know why we didn’t do something. We just didn’t do it.
However, flaking should not be seen as a foolproof solution. There are requirements for distinguishing between good and bad flaking. Firstly, the stakes must be relatively low. Flaking on important tasks or responsibilities that can have severe consequences is not acceptable. You can only flake when the potential harm to others is minimal. We must also assess flaking retrospectively; it’s not something that can be declared in advance. Flaking only becomes permissible when the consequences of doing so do not lead to significant blame. This makes every flake a calculated risk, but experienced flakers can instinctively determine the difference. Some meetings require your presence, while others do not. With practice, you’ll be able to identify these distinctions.
Furthermore, good flaking must be confessed in the first person. You must acknowledge it publicly. Flaking is always shameful when left unacknowledged because it disrespects those who may have been affected and undermines the integrity of flakery itself. True flaking involves owning up to it, ideally proactively. Apologize and admit that you flaked without providing unnecessary explanations. “I’m sorry about last night. I don’t know what happened. I flaked.”
If you’re not already skilled in the art of flaking, learning this skill will be challenging. People may perceive you as rude or unreliable, particularly if you do it incorrectly or in a location where flaking is not commonly accepted, like Southern California. Flaking is not just an action; it’s an ethos. Unfortunately, it’s a dying one. Flaking has become harder in today’s society. Back when Rocco first flaked, there were no mobile phones, so there were fewer expectations to stay in constant communication. Now, we’re expected to call, text, and respond promptly. Silence is no longer considered flaking, just rudeness. The demand for immediate responses has weakened the institution of flakery, but you can bring it back to life. Start by flaking yourself and explaining your reasons to your reason-focused friends, family, or colleagues. With practice, you’ll develop an advanced mentality of flaking and a calm acceptance of its value. A true flake requires no reason or criticism. “I just flaked.” Silent nods. It happens. There was nothing anyone could do.
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