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The comedy-drama You Hurt My Feelings revolves around a seemingly insignificant event. The protagonist, Beth, portrayed by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, overhears her husband expressing his dislike for the manuscript of her novel, leaving her deeply hurt.
Initially, my response to this film, written and directed by Nicole Holofcener, was, “lucky her!” Not because it was what some would call a “first-world problem,” as Beth acknowledges. She says, “I know the whole world is falling apart. But this is my world. My small little narcissistic world.”
What struck me about Beth was that she had created work that her husband could understand. Many office jobs are incomprehensible to outsiders, and sometimes even to those who perform them. In the TV series Friends, Chandler Bing’s profession becomes a recurring joke. Rachel tries to guess his job in a quiz, suggesting “Something to do with numbers” before settling on “transponster,” a word that doesn’t even exist. This humor resonates darkly.
The film’s central character, Beth, avoids another common challenge by working on a solo project. She doesn’t have to navigate the complexities of personalities and processes in the workplace. Office politics only interest those directly involved, and trying to keep up with them can be mind-numbing.
However, I suspect that lockdowns have led to increased understanding of partners’ white-collar worlds. People were forced to experience their partners’ professional realities during this time. Some took to social media to share their revelations. For example, a woman wrote about her husband learning that she is the one who ensures brand alignment, which mildly horrified him. She, in turn, discovered that he is the person who defers details until later. Lockdowns have brought about interesting dynamics.
The Holofcener film highlights a significant professional issue – the support of a partner. “The most important career decision you’ll make is whom you marry and what kind of relationship you will have,” asserts the book Money and Love: an Intelligent Road Map for Life’s Biggest Decisions, one of the few publications on this subject published this year.
It’s more than just finances, splitting childcare, and chores. When Blake Dustin Mathias, a professor of entrepreneurship, researched the impact of spouses on entrepreneurs, he found that “emotional support [was] critical” – more important than tangible assets like money. This topic frequently arises in sessions with Kate Franklin, an executive coach. However, she notes that clients often struggle to define what such support looks like because it is deeply personal. Those who have spousal support won’t say, “I’m lucky.” It’s a feeling of smugness. Some of the behaviors identified by Mathias among entrepreneurial partners appear to be broadly applicable – empathy, listening, celebrating milestones, and offering distractions, especially during low moments or when experiencing loneliness at the top.
Love and work create an emotional minefield. Couples who work in the same industry might understand the challenges and provide valuable networks or job opportunities. However, other pressures can lead to jealousy. An actor friend once said, “misery loves company.” Still, if one partner’s career takes off and becomes successful, it can be devastating for the other.
For Beth in You Hurt My Feelings, an existential question arises: can her husband love her if he does not respect her work? It requires partners to support each other’s long-term ambitions. As my actor friend puts it, they need to understand that seemingly insignificant jobs can be stepping stones.
Respect is a significant issue discussed in therapy sessions with Philippa Richardson, founder of The Circle Line, which provides therapy to corporate clients. It applies not only to artists and creatives but also to lawyers, chefs, and businesspeople whose self-worth is closely tied to their careers. “It’s like they forget everything else they are,” Richardson says, emphasizing the importance of viewing oneself as more than just one’s work.
The belief that a partner does not respect their work may also reflect their own insecurities. This was the case for Chandler Bing in Friends, who ultimately changed jobs after admitting his unhappiness.
Sometimes, parting ways with a partner can be the solution. Surprisingly, recent research on individuals going through divorce found that many believed it had a negative impact on their work. However, a significant number (39%) reported a positive impact, as it freed up time and energy, leading to heightened motivation.
Sometimes, self-reliance becomes the winning choice.
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