Imagine a contemporary version of Romeo and Juliet, but with a unique twist – the star-crossed lovers are either Chinese or Filipino, and their parents stand in the way of their love not out of animosity, but due to long-standing cultural traditions and a strong desire to preserve their heritage. One of the most difficult experiences we can go through is yearning for someone we can’t have (check out my article on the friendzone for a different perspective). Whether it’s because they don’t reciprocate our feelings, we’re incompatible, or our parents intervene, it’s a feeling that tightens our chest and feels like the end of the world. For those unfamiliar with the term “Great Wall” in the context of relationships, allow me to explain. This phenomenon primarily affects the daughters and sons of strict, traditional, and conservative Chinese families (often living in the Philippines) who simply cannot accept their child being with a Filipino. Before accusations of racism arise, it’s important to note that each family’s reasons for building this metaphorical barrier can vary, and not all Chinese families subscribe to this mentality. The most common reasons, as understood by the current generation, typically involve concerns about potential clashes of culture that could lead to inter-family conflicts, a desire to preserve the purity of their bloodline (a notion that may seem strange to some), or, in my case, personal trauma from past experiences (which, by the way, is somewhat understandable). René Magritte’s “The Lovers” (1928) is a powerful representation of love that defies time, blurring the lines between passion and isolation | René Magritte, 1928 / DACS London The Great Wall phenomenon dictates that Chinese children should ultimately end up with or marry someone of Chinese descent. However, this poses a significant challenge, especially considering that we reside in the Philippines (yes, I’m aware that the Chinese population in the country is abundant, but we’re still not in China, so you get my point). Sometimes, the Great Wall extends to friendships as well, with Chinese parents preferring their children to have predominantly Chinese friends and harboring a slight disdain for those who don’t fit that mold. Now, let me make it clear that this narrative isn’t about hating on Chinese parents (or my own parents, for that matter) or airing dirty laundry. Instead, it’s an account of a personal experience and the lessons we can glean from it to foster cultural inclusivity and become active members of a progressive community in these changing times. Now, let’s delve into the juicy details. My first relationship was a secret. It was like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet set in the Philippines, minus the tragic ending (thankfully), but it left a lasting trauma that exceeded my expectations. We kept our relationship hidden from my family for over a year, a challenge that became even more daunting when the COVID-19 pandemic struck and we were confined to our homes. It was incredibly difficult to maintain the secrecy when I was surrounded by my oblivious family members. Whenever I share this story with friends or new acquaintances, their jaws drop in disbelief at the sheer amount of obstacles I had to overcome. However, I won’t divulge the details unless you specifically request them (just kidding, please don’t slide into my DMs). Let’s just say that I was betrayed by someone who went as far as creating multiple Instagram accounts solely to snitch on me to my parents, who subsequently found incriminating screenshots of my personal photos with my non-Chinese ex (and even photos of me in clubs, but that’s a different story) on their phones. This shattered my relationship not only with my entire family but especially with my parents. They no longer trusted me and bombarded me with endless questions whenever I left the house, demanding pictures of my whereabouts and the people I was with every two minutes. The breakup itself was even more traumatic, as it led to my hospitalization, being ghosted, and ultimately dumped via text message (all while I was still in the hospital). I lived in a constant state of paranoia, convinced that the snitch was monitoring my every move, observing each action and tracking my whereabouts. This period single-handedly claimed the title of the darkest and most challenging time of my life, leaving me with diagnosed depression, an anxiety disorder, a cocktail of antidepressants, and an enduring sense of trauma. The eyes, my friend, never deceive. Lucifer’s fall from grace in the War in Heaven captured in a powerful piece of art, showcasing the destructive nature of prideful love and power | Alexandre Cabanel, 1847 / Musée Fabre To be accountable, I was well aware that the person I fell in love with was considered the forbidden fruit. From a young age, it was ingrained in me that I could never be with a non-Chinese man under any circumstances. However, love (or what I believed to be love – my ex was not exactly the perfect match, but that’s another story) is blind, and by some miracle, I was completely blind, as if I had no eyes at all. I was numb to everything except my deep desire for this person, which clouded my judgment and shattered all rational thinking. So, I must acknowledge my share of responsibility for everything that unfolded. Nonetheless, I do wish that certain aspects of the situation could have been different, perhaps reducing the ensuing trauma to some extent. I wish that when I first opened up to my parents, they could have listened and understood me a little more. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed their minds, but at least being receptive to my feelings could have made a difference. I also wish they hadn’t been so afraid to let me face failure on my own terms. I understand that parents have a duty to protect their children, but there is a fine line between sheltering them and allowing them to learn from their mistakes and experiences. Furthermore, I wish the whole ordeal had been less dramatic and traumatic. The trauma is deeply embedded in my memory and continues to impact how I navigate and perceive life. There are numerous resources available that aim to help individuals in Chinoy relationships achieve their desired outcome, but this isn’t one of them. Sure, you can learn about Chinese traditions, the language, and compromise in an attempt to be accepted. However, at the end of the day, the Great Wall remains standing for a reason. My hope is not to tear down the Great Wall completely, but rather to encourage some parents out there to allow their children to attempt scaling it anyway. — Header image courtesy of the New Orleans Museum of Art
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