My Sister’s Racist Joke Caused a Family Divide

The dilemma:
During a family gathering, my eldest sister made a xenophobic joke. I confronted her and stated that her joke was racist and that I felt uncomfortable staying. She denied being racist and claimed that her joke was a wordplay. Although I was upset, I stayed to avoid ruining the day. However, my sister and I have not spoken since.

While growing up, my sister and I got along well, and this is not part of an ongoing competitive dynamic. However, we have fundamental political differences – she stayed at home, while I have traveled widely and live in a more cosmopolitan area. Despite this, we usually get along, and I want to resolve this conflict, but I am unsure how.

Philippa’s advice:
As a society, it is important to support each other publicly and more importantly, privately when confronted with bigotry. We should actively call out bigotry to enhance societal positivity. Nevertheless, the issue isn’t calling your sister out but rather how you approach this.

When we believe that our position is right, and millions of people agree with us, we may feel superior. This could be especially true when dealing with an older sister who’s generally regarded as wisest. Perhaps, you have viewed your relationship with your sister through the clumsy lens of left and right politics, but we’re all more complicated than that – you’ll need to do a little work to mend fences.

You seem to understand that you and your sister view things differently, and this means she may not appreciate why the joke was offensive. Try to see things from her point of view. She may have never thought about how it feels to be stereotyped, mocked or persecuted as part of a minority ethnic group.

Only labelling the joke instead of the person can help avoid anyone becoming defensive. Explain how the joke was offensive and how it would make people of minority ethnicity feel, including how the joke makes you feel. Saying something like “Jokes like this may seem inconsequential, but they reinforce racism and prejudice, which is why I objected” could help.

Being humble when expressing an opinion may lead to more confidence and avoid being overbearing. Owning your wrongdoing and apologizing can also help mend the rift. Racism derives from fear or a superiority/inferiority complex. To avoid entrenching ourselves in positions that fuel hate rather than understanding, we need to avoid dislike and understand people in other groups.

In terms of the relationship, owning up to your part in the rupture can help with the healing process. It may feel unfair that you have to do most of the work, but if your sister had written in, she would have been advised similarly. Philippa recommends a book, “How to Argue With a Racist” by Adam Rutherford.

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