My dad passed away unexpectedly a few months ago and I can’t help but feel resentful towards some of my oldest friends who have barely reached out since it happened. I understand that death can be a difficult subject to approach and people may worry about saying the wrong thing. However, I can’t help but feel hurt by the lack of contact after my dad’s funeral.
Now, three months later, I have finally received a couple of text messages from them about unrelated matters. In response, I have been portraying the version of myself that they are familiar with – the one where I’m fine and not drowning in grief. I suppose I don’t want to bring down the mood with my tales of sadness, and they didn’t ask.
The truth is, I haven’t even begun to process the fact that I am now an adult orphan. My mom passed away unexpectedly 20 years ago when I was in my 40s. It feels like too big of a burden to take on.
Confronting them is not something I want to do because I don’t want them to feel guilty. Normally, they are amazing friends whom I deeply love.
Luckily, I have other friends, a wonderful husband, and children who can support me through this without their assistance. I just want to let go of the disappointment so that I can navigate through this overwhelming grief and feel a little lighter.
I’m truly sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. In light of your situation, I consulted Mandy Gosling, a UKCP registered psychotherapist and bereavement specialist. She wondered whether your father’s death has triggered some unresolved grief from an earlier experience, possibly your mother’s passing.
Gosling also mentioned that the resentment and disappointment you’re feeling could be a result of being an overgiving person. It’s possible that you feel resentful because you don’t receive the same level of support in return. Perhaps you struggle with asking for help, as evidenced by your need to be a certain “version” of yourself. You also seem concerned about burdening others.
In my experience with grief, the people around you need to know what you need because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or intruding. Additionally, people often have a desire to “fix” things, but death is something that cannot be fixed, leaving them feeling powerless.
In these situations, someone needs to be brave, and often it falls on the bereaved person to break the ice. Is this fair? Of course not. However, understanding people’s motivations can be helpful because it’s rare for friends, especially ones who have been supportive in the past, to not care. It’s usually their fear of the subject that prevents them from saying something as simple as “I’m sorry – how are you doing?” which can initiate a conversation.
If you find it difficult to ask your “silent” friends for help, perhaps you can lean on your other friends and your husband for support. Seeking therapeutic assistance could also be beneficial. Talking to someone who understands bereavement can help you carry the weight of grief. You deserve that. Additional information, support, and a bereavement helpline can be found at cruse.org.uk.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses personal problems sent in by readers. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot engage in personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Comments on this article are moderated to ensure the discussion remains focused on the topics presented. Please note that there may be a slight delay in comments appearing on the website.
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