Exciting news! You’re preparing for the arrival of your first baby. However, there’s no avoiding the fact that you’re about to experience a significant loss of sleep. Seasoned parents love to remind you of this, emphasizing the importance of cherishing your precious lie-ins while you still can.
During my pregnancy, I gathered an arsenal of tools to combat the sleeplessness that awaited me when my daughter arrived. Swaddles, blackout blinds, a white-noise machine – I was determined to crack the code for a restful night’s sleep. But despite my efforts, my daughter never slept well, and the pursuit of understanding why almost drove me insane.
Sleep deprivation is unbelievably challenging, and it’s no surprise that it can contribute to postpartum depression. However, looking back, I now realize that part of the reason infant sleep was such a touchy subject for me was because of unrealistic expectations.
By the time my daughter turned six months old, the question everyone kept asking was, “Is she sleeping through the night yet?” There’s a deeply ingrained belief that the exhausting early days pass quickly, and if they don’t, it’s due to “bad habits” or parental incompetence.
The reality is much more complex. While there are things parents can do to encourage sleep, the truth is that every baby is different. Some sleep well, and some don’t. And the challenge of sleep extends beyond the baby phase. According to a study, nearly 30% of two-year-olds experience frequent night wakings. Nightmares, illness, and separation anxiety can make it even more difficult, especially when toddlers can leave their beds and call out for their parents throughout the night. Another study found that the sleep deprivation experienced by new parents can last up to six years after the birth of their first child, which often surprises people.
Sleep has become a status symbol of parenting success, perpetuated by a booming industry of sleep consultants promising the holy grail of uninterrupted, independent, and formulaic baby sleep from 7pm to 7am. However, this one-size-fits-all approach often clashes with our natural biological instincts. For example, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for babies to wake up and breastfeed throughout the night for at least the first six months of their lives. Such attitudes create shame and anxiety for parents whose babies don’t conform, leading them to make distressing choices out of a perceived obligation to their child’s well-being.
I once heard of a parent who stopped their toddler’s night-time wakings by holding the bedroom door shut while their child cried inconsolably on the other side. While some parents may prioritize their mental health in regards to sleep, I can’t imagine that method working for me or my daughter.
We’ve turned baby sleep into a commodified concept, pathologizing what could simply be described as the unpredictable nature of baby behavior. From one week to the next, babies can exhibit maddening inconsistencies, refusing food they once loved or sleeping poorly when they previously slept well.
Instead of adhering to a one-size-fits-all approach, the concept of “division of responsibility” can be helpful in understanding our role as parents. We decide when and how to put our children to bed, but ultimately, it’s up to them to sleep through the night. It may take time, but it will happen eventually.
I can’t deny that there’s a sense of shame attached to our current situation. Am I failing my daughter in some way? Is it my fault that I’m still exhausted? However, when I meet expectant parents now, I try not to burden them with tales of sleepless nights. Instead, if they ask, I encourage them to embrace the valuable lesson I’ve learned – to let go of control whenever possible and accept that sleep patterns may not align with our expectations.
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